By ROSIE WATERLAND
Since when did you have to have a PhD in Rocket Science to make a restaurant booking? Since when did, oh you know, those things called plates become so daggy? Why can’t I just get a drink in a freaking GLASS?
I’ll tell you why: Restaurants have had an obnoxious overload. I don’t know if it’s since being a foodie became a thing, or since Instagram meant every meal served is being judged by all of @miss_Sassy19’s followers, but it’s almost impossible these days to organise a pleasant meal without throwing your hands up in exasperation and saying this:
Alas, I can’t change the ways of the food industry. But I can give you a list of the most obnoxious things restaurants do, in the hopes it will give you the power of choice and exclusion. Selfless, I know. You’re welcome.
So by all means: Go out. Dine. Be merry! Just don’t say you haven’t been warned.
Here’s the top six obnoxious moves that restaurants pull:
1. A booking system designed to make you give up.
You can have a table for 6 but only after 8pm. Tables for two are fine but there’s a minimum spend of $100. We can fit you in at 7 but you have to be gone by 8:30. Tables between 6 and 9 can only select from banquet option B. If there’s going to be less than five of you we’d like you to prepay.
We can fit you in – in an hour – but only if you wait in our bar and we require a minimum drink spend of $50. Each. We only have tables of that seat 2 or 4 – NO variations. You can book by phone but only with the codeword. We only take internet bokings with a credit card.
We don’t take bookings. If Sally has 8 friends and the restaurant has 4 tables with 6 chairs and each of Sally’s friends is going to spend this much on wine and take banquet option C and be gone by –
2. Classic meals ‘with a twist’.
Oh I’m sorry, when you ordered a meat pie were you not expecting a single sheet of pastry, topped with a single scoop of mince garnished with a single mint leaf – all crammed into a single mason jar on a bed of mushy peas?
No, I wasn’t. And one piece of ravioli is one bloody piece of ravioli – I don’t care how big it is.
If I wanted my food ‘deconstructed’ I wouldn’t be paying a professional to construct it for me. Now put a pastry lid on my freaking pie.
Top Comments
That stupid ceremonial pepper grinder thing. 'Would you like some ground pepper wioth your meal?' Yes, but only if you leave the grinder on the table and let me decide how much I want and what I want it on.
Food served on slabs of timber. What happened to plates?!
I think we can thank Jamie Oliver for that one