dating

"He started calling me a sl*t." 15 women share what happened when they dated the 'nice guy'.

Every woman knows a 'nice guy'.

'Nice guys' are the ones who insist they're well, nice, and kind and respectful and 'treat women well' until that is, they reel a woman in, don't get what they want or feel rejected. Then the 'nice guy' isn't nice anymore, because actually, he was never genuinely nice.

At one end of the spectrum is the guy who will call us a derogatory name or pretend they weren't even interested in the first place when we try and let them down. At the other end is seriously abusive behaviour and gaslighting.

Mamamia Confessions: Our most embarrassing dates. Post continues below video.


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Because the thing is, actual nice guys don't go on about being nice. It's not performative, because they think there's something in it for them. Nice people just get on with being nice.

We asked the Mamamia community to share their experiences with self-confessed 'nice guys'. Here is what they had to say.

Clare.

"I went out with a 'nice guy' in my late teens. He was always talking about how he wasn't like other guys, and was so laid back and chill. Then a few months later I tried to break up with him because I wasn't feeling it and he wouldn't... let me. It was almost like he was taking my break up as a suggestion. He was like, 'nah let's just stay together and I'm sure your feelings will change,' and I kept being talked into it?!!? It took me about three times to successfully break up with him. Even then he wanted to maintain a relationship and couldn't seem to fathom that someone simply wasn't interested."

Asten.

"I went on an internet date with this guy who seemed absolutely lovely. He was a primary school teacher and seemed very kind. He listened well and asked the right questions. Anyway, skip ahead to date three and I still wasn’t sure if I was feeling it and wanted to pursue anything further. I had not led him on and I had contributed financially to our dates. At the end of date three when I went to go home something came over him and he said that this was ridiculous and hadn't I heard about the three date rule (in that apparently we were meant to have sex on a third date). I swear it’s like he had dead shark eyes and was a completely different person because I didn't put out as expected. I dodged a bullet there!"

Jessie.

"I went out with a 'nice guy' and when I ended it he got really upset. We were at a mutual friend's house for a farewell and he came up to me and said 'no one wants you here' and full tried to push me out of the room. Only one of the guys there was like 'um dude wtf'."

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Emily.

"I dated a guy who was super insecure and would say things like 'I bet your ex was bigger than me' and when we went out to restaurants if I just glanced at someone he would be like 'Do you think that guy is good looking, you know he probably has a shit personality.' I would always call him out on it and he'd just say that he's so used to girls not giving him a chance and that most girls go for hot idiots instead of him. Then it got too much and I told him I wanted to stop dating and he called me a slut."

Bridget.

"I've dated a few guys like that, the 'nice guy' trope. I think the worst guy I've had an experience with was a guy I was seeing for about a month. He seemed really nice and said all the right things. I tried to be honest with him about how I struggle with guys not being honest about what they want and ghosting me. Especially after we sleep together. He was all sympathetic and understanding, saying 'I would never do that, it's such a cowardly thing to do. I'm too kind to do that.' In the end, after a month of daily contact, we finally slept together and I didn't hear from him for a week. I finally called him and he said he couldn’t believe he waited so long to sleep with me, that I needed to lose weight before I could date, and I was a desperate cow. So much for kind. I spent months after that wondering what I did wrong. The nice guy thing frustrates me. I have had so many guys flip on me that trusting guys now is almost impossible. How do you know when they are genuine? And then people tell you to be more trusting, but when you are it just seems to backfire. 'Nice guys' ruin dating for everyone." 

Madeleine.

"The 'nice guy' love-bombed me, he called himself a feminist, was passionate about animal rights, real 'nice guy' stuff. He 'wasn’t like all the disrespectful men' but whenever confronted with something he did wrong or upset me he lashed out. It was like a tantrum. He felt entitled - because he showed basic respect, he felt I shouldn't ever have a problem with anything he did and that my emotions were invalid. I think that's what is dangerous about guys like that, you and all your friends see him as a nice guy, until they're made to feel they aren’t perfect and by then you're sucked in!"

Talia.

"I went on a date with a 'nice guy' after speaking to him for 2-3 weeks. Our date was great, I couldn't fault a thing. He complimented me the whole night in a way that indicated that he felt like I was too good for him (it was very awkward for me). Anyway, all was good for about a week after the date and then he ghosted me."

Lucy.

"My high school ex (who I dated for two years) cheated on me, maybe, four million times, and then out of the blue during isolation he messaged me saying how cute we were together/'I'll always love you'/etc, and that he didn't know why it ended. And I said 'because you cheated on me with literally everyone', and then he was just like 'ouch, damn'."

Dannie.

"I met a guy on an online dating app and we decided to go on a date. He suggested somewhere really fancy and I politely explained that I couldn't afford it as I'm a single mum. He said he was taking me out and he would pay for both of us. Anyway, it comes to date night, I'm dressed to the nines and he picks me up. We get to the restaurant and I order considerately, making sure I don't order the most expensive things but he insisted on buying champagne and dessert. We enjoy the champagne, I enjoyed my meal and he seems really lovely. Conversation flows. We laugh. We flirt. Wow right?! I sat there the whole time thinking I can't believe I've stumbled across this amazing guy, he's good-looking, he's considerate with a great job, he is even taking me out and paying for the whole date. The bill comes and he gets up to go and pay. Next thing I hear shouting and arguing and it's him demanding that we get a discount because the service wasn't a high standard. He also claimed he shouldn't have to pay for the champagne because he wanted another type of champagne (which wasn't true at all). He was so angry and so loud and LYING. Everyone was staring at him and then me. I wanted a hole in the ground to open up and swallow me. He stormed out... They made me pay over $300 for the meal. And he had left me there so I also had to Uber home. He messaged me the next day apologising and asking if we could see each other again. He never offered to pay me back or even acknowledge what he did, just a 'sorry about last night. When can I see you again?' I explained why the answer was no. He got all entitled and said I didn't know a good thing when I saw it and it was my loss. He then told me: 'Girls just don't like the good guys and the wonder why they get hurt.' I had an actual WTF moment out loud."

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Millie.

"I once dated a guy back in the early days of Tinder (2014), who was super nice and very lovely. But then he started texting me a little bit too much. And when I say too much, it was all day, every day. I worked and couldn't be on my phone ALL DAY so I told him I couldn't text that much because I'm busy. He replied: 'Think it's best if we went our separate ways. In saying that I think you're gorgeous and intelligent so I don't think you'll have any probs finding dudes who'd be more than willing to lend a [finger emoji]'..." 

Kee.

"I dated this guy in NYC, who was an orthopedic surgeon. We went out on a few dates and he was seemingly lovely and positioned himself as this humble guy from Texas who hates dating in the city and wants to find a nice girl. 'OK yay that's me', I thought. He had to go to DC for a four-week rotation and he said 'I want to fly you to visit me'. I thought 'yes honey, love that for me'. The day before he left we went to a bar that my roommate worked at. She gave us SO many drinks, so many cocktails, and really hooked us up. When we were done, we went to pay our tiny bill because she comped us and he paid. We went home and got busy, except it was just bad BAD and I knew it wasn't going to work. Anyway, he left in the morning and I went to chat with my roomie and she told me he didn't tip. I was LIVID! I hate bad tippers, it's so mean, PLUS he had money. So I admit; I ghosted him for a couple of days. I was just so off it. Days later I called and apologised for not chatting for a couple of days and just said I'm not into it. He was SUCH a BABY about it. 'WHATEVER I WASN'T TRYING TO MAKE YOU MY GF', I'm like 'sweetie you couldn't bear the thought of four weeks without me, trying to fly me out, but OK I'm crazy, cool, BYE."

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Maddie.

"I dated a guy who insisted that we keep things secret just between the two of us because it 'made it hot'. He was from Sydney and I was from Perth and he would come over to Perth a fair bit because we were family friends. He was in first year uni, and I was in Year 12. A few months in I found out that he had a girlfriend of three years. When I told him that I don't want to be side piece he told me I was a slut and was being mean for 'making him feel like a cheater'."

Lauren.

"A few years ago I went out on a date with a guy who appeared to be so nice. He was very kind and said all the right things. Anyways we met at a bar and he started to have a few drinks... he ended up getting so drunk that he leaned over to the women next to him and said he would dare f*ck her because she looked easy. While I was sitting right there... cue her bodybuilder boyfriend who stood up and was rightfully very angry. Wanting to stop a fight breaking out I jumped up and tried to explain to the boyfriend that he was very drunk and wasn't worth his time. I left shortly after. The next day I woke up to paragraphs of how I was easy and a b*tch all over my Facebook wall and that I'd never find someone as nice as him."

Pariya.

"I was with this guy for almost a year and so in love with him. He said he was an 'open and honest kind of guy' (that should've been a massive red flag) and I was the first girl he introduced to his family so it was a pretty big deal. We talked about getting engaged and everything. I told him how much I hated gambling because it's affected my family so much in the past. He said his dad lost their family home and everything in it because he was a big gambler too, so he was anti-gambling as well. Fast forward eight months and I find out he gambled every day! Ready for the kicker... he blamed me for it. He said it was my fault for arguing with him and 'making him gamble'. He said the really bad fights we'd have would make him gamble up to $700 - $800 in a day. As Ariana Grande said, THANK YOU, NEXT!"

Jem.

"I met a lovely bartender out one night in Brisbane. He asked for my number and I happily shared. I heard from him the next morning, we texted during the week before our date the following weekend. We were chatting easily and there were no awkward silences. All the topics were fine and above board. Nothing too personal for a first date. He asked what I was studying and I said education and the onslaught about how stupid school was for him and how every single teacher he'd ever had was a b*itch was unbelievable. Then he told me schools were probably so bad because it was a female dominant profession. Then he asked what OP (tertiary entrance score for Queensland) I got. I told him I'd got an 11 but was amazed at how easily I was achieving high distinctions at University and that it's a true testament to finding what your passion is. Then he stands up and yells 'BOOM! GOT AN 8 I DID BETTER THAN YOU! I'LL NEVER USE IT BECAUSE EDUCATION IS FOR IDIOTS!' I picked up my purse and said 'I think you're terribly wrong. Education in a formal sense might not be for everyone but everyone can always keep learning and I suggest you open your mind a little more because it seems terribly closed.' And off I went. So sad I never heard from him!"

Feature image: Getty.

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