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The reviews of the new Fifty Shades of Grey book are in... and they're hilarious.

At least one scene involves a peeled vegie up the bum.

EL James’s cynical money-making ploy retelling of Fifty Shades of Grey from Christian’s perspective has arrived.

And judging by what the critics have to say, we’re guessing the reviews will be far more entertaining than the book (which is called Grey if you’re dashing out to the shops).

With delightfully cringe-worthy prose like this, though, it was always going to be an easy target:

“She studies me for a moment as if she’s solved the riddle of the sphinx.” So deep.

“An image of her shackled to my bench, peeled gingerroot inserted in her ass so she can’t clench her buttocks, comes to mind.” So sexy.

“I grab the box and the note and head for my study. I will handle this better from my seat of power.” So commanding.

Scott Bryan has reviewed the piece on Twitter, by extracting the most extraordinary parts.

Via Buzzfeed/Scott Bryan

It’s fair to say the reviewers really haven’t known what to make of Grey. 

There are the reviewers who weren’t into it – at all:

Grey tells the exact same story as Fifty Shades of Grey, but with Christian as the narrator. So that means Anastasia’s inner goddess is gone, as are all the “holy cow!”s. They have been replaced by an occasional “Hell.” Or “fuck.” Or “good girl.” Which is what Christian’s inner, um, Adonis, I guess, has to say for himself. Yet the major sex scenes are the same, except you know, with the perspectives reversed — and the lengthy email exchanges and contract negotiations are almost exactly the same. It’s a heady concoction of derivative trash, derivative porn, and self-plagiarism. – Sarah Seltzer, Flavorwire

And this:

Ana – I am not on friendly terms with this woman, but it is driving me nuts having to type out that name each time – has an overreaction on a nuclear scale. They have met barely three times! I don’t care if she smells of orchards and has a fabulous ass, Christian, she’s clearly a nutbar. Oh thank God, it’s the end of the chapter and Anastasia has disappeared in a cloud of grammatically improbable metaphor. – Kat Brown, The Telegraph

But then there are those reviews that take it next level:

Grey, the fourth book from EL James, is about as sexy as a misery memoir and as arousing as the diary of a sex offender…. Here the look is that of a desperate sexual predator. Within moments of meeting Miss Steele, Grey has decided he needs to “fetter, f— and flog” her; he then imagines what it would be like to shove some peeled ginger root up her behind. – Bryony Gordon, Telegraph

Scott Bryan is transfixed:

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But some people are into it:

This book is not meant to be polite – nor subtle – but Christian was definitely sexier when more of him was left to the imagination…But let’s face it nobody’s here for that. It’s the naughty goings-on in the Red Room of Pain that has had Grey flying up the best-seller lists on pre-orders alone.

Don’t worry they’re all in there – and steamier than ever thanks to Christian’s spin on events. – Laura Davis, Liverpool Echo.

And our personal favourite:

He’s a boring dork. He’s a man with massive unresolved mommy issues who runs around listening to the Foo Fighters, using the winky-face emoji in his erotic emails and playing endless golf with a man called Bastille. He relentlessly tells Anastasia that he is a one-in-a-million super-stud because of his daring BDSM hobby, while actually daydreaming about braiding her hair. – Alexandra Heminsley, the Pool

We can’t wait to get our hands on this literary masterpiece…

Oh my.

Will you be reading the new Fifty Shades book?

Want more? Try these:

Rosie Reviews: Fifty Shades of Grey.

Mia Freedman on 50 Shades of Grey: “Am I the only one who didn’t have a problem with it?”

Lisa Wilkinson reviews 50 Shades of Grey movie: “It’s more appalling than appealing”.

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