The festive season brings out a weird ‘tick’ in people where courteous shopper folk turn into inpatient, demanding harbingers of misery, determined to make the lives of shop assistants joyless, confronting and sad.
Instead the brave souls at the front line of this pagan holiday – more commonly known as ‘Christmas,’ harbour a complex relationship with the celebration for many years to come, long after their forgotten log-in pins and faded customer service’ smiles.
For many the mere riff of a Michael Buble Christmas song, or over-crowded, wreath-ridden shopping mall can bring the onset of faint PTSD, in which The Walking Dead-esque scenes of shoppers barge into stores demanding discounts and gift wrapping.
In honour of the battlers in customer service that help your irrational, stress-ridden selves over the Christmas holiday, this is a simple PSA – these are the things you don’t say to shop assistants from now to the end of December… lest they crack, and attack you with a scanner.
You have been warned…
1. “Wow, it’s very busy in the store today.”
Yes, the period in which everyone is out and buying presents for their loved ones is surprisingly busy. Thank you for alerting me to what I can evidently see.
2. “I’m in a hurry, could you make it quick?”
The short answer is “No”. The long answer is “Do you see that line of people that are also wishing to get served asap, do you see me moving at the speed of light trying to keep up with the very long line of people who have all decided to come in store at the same time? The answer is still no.”
3. “Can you bring one in from another store?”
Do not expect to have this question answered in earnest or sincerity past Decemeber 20th. You don’t deserve it.
LISTEN:Small Talk For People Who Hate Small Talk At Christmas. Post continues after audio.
4. “Can you hold this for me until Boxing Day?”
The same goes for any mention of Boxing Day, which is cruel because if there’s anything more soul draining then starting a shift with five customers making a b-line towards you the moment you enter a store, is the expected carnage that is Boxing Day.