It’s not very often that I speak of my feelings, but today I got asked by a friend at work if I was OK.
She said that I looked sad in my eyes and she was worried that I was rundown. She was so worried, she suggested I needed to take time away from the workplace.
I don’t normally tell people how I am, but I want to open up, not for sympathy or attention, but to get my feelings and worries off my chest and to let people know what goes on in this crazy world of mine.
My son has acute neuroblastoma, a rare and aggressive form of childhood cancer.
WATCH: My family's story on A Current Affair. Post continues after video.
We found out when he was six weeks old, after a catastrophic birth that left my little boy gasping for air due to a rare condition called laryngomalacia that affects his breathing.
After two major operations, a supraglottoplasty and tracheostomy, they found a tumour in his neck.
Since then his little body has been put through two rounds of chemotherapy and in March we received a glimmer of good news - his tumour remains inactive and hasn’t grown.
But we’re far from through this nightmare. Eli was only born 10 months ago, on August 19, 2019, but that feels like a lifetime ago.
Having a son with cancer is by far the hardest challenge I’ve faced in my life. Even though Eli has been given a good prognosis by his doctors, I live each day in fear that I might one day lose my son.
I hate that it’s not safe to remove Eli’s tumour. Every day I live in fear that his cancer may spread and that cancer may take my little boy away from me.
Every night I’m woken by the noise of Eli struggling to breathe, choking on his own saliva, I jump from my bed and suction all the gunk from his throat and chest, then I then lay awake for hours because my anxiety won’t let me sleep.