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Netflix and Chill vs. Netflix and Children.

They’re not the same thing. Not at all.

OK, I admit it: for the last year or so, I thought I was doing “Netflix and Chill,” when all I was doing was queueing up endless episodes of “Caillou” so that I could take a sh*t and/or have a totally silent “Falling Down” moment at a sink of two-day-old dishes.

Turns out, I was actually doing “Netflix and Children,” which is a totally different thing. A totally different thing.

Netflix and Chill means you lure someone to your couch by coyly suggesting you watch a movie together and then you instead have sex. Or at least intentionally touch each other in a mutually pleasurable way.

I mean wow. WOW. Netflix and Children means basically the total f*cking opposite.

It’s about letting Peppa Pig, or those weird H20 Mako Mermaids, or the Ninjago Lego frat toys deal with this mess for 20 minutes (or half an hour, or FINE! THE WHOLE FIRST SEASON OF “LAB RATS”) so that I can get some work done, or take a shower, or lie on a pile of unfolded laundry and try to figure out how to put a flag on my Facebook profile picture for, like, an hour and a half. All while my kids are being lobotomized by something rated TV-Y, or TV-G, or *emergencies only* TV-14.

And I’m sorry, but Netflix and Children is way better than Netflix and Chill! Consider: I don’t need to shave my legs/stay awake/smell pretty much clean/be likeable, for Netflix and Children to be a huge hit! Actually, I have been married for 10 years, so same rules would apply for Netflix and Chill, but you get my point: it takes absolutely no effort. Whoops, ditto again. Anyway.

Thank God I have Netflix and Children to help me sidestep my parenting responsibilities when it is truly essential that my children and I take a break from one another and not touch or talk for as many seasons of “Pingu” as possible.

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Watch Ellen explain the concept of ‘Netflix and Chill’ and other slang terms that were introduced in 2015. Post continues below. 

Video via The Ellen Show

(Lastly, a warning to all those sensually streaming lovebirds: some variation of Netflix and Chill is what got me to where I am today. My children are probably a product of the bygone “DVR and Hit Dat” era. Watch responsibly.)

This post originally appeared on The Huffington Post and has been republished here with full permission.

Kate Levkoff is a cohost on the foul-mouthed, hilariously honest parenting podcast Nursing and Cursing. Kate can be found on a playground in Brooklyn, NY staring dazedly into her phone and drinking something from a thermos while the better parents remind her three kids to play nicely. Kate is currently working on growing her hair out. You can find her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

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