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We all feel sad and alone sometimes – especially when our relationship doesn’t meet our needs.

My relationship troubles began long before I ever entered into a romantic relationship. My parents were locked into a violent and abusive marriage that trained me to believe there are winners and losers — victims and perpetrators — in all relationships.

Because of this, I only knew how to submit to my partner’s wishes or to dominate the relationship. I didn’t know the first thing about true partnership.

I spent a lot of time afraid and sad. No matter how hard I tried it seemed nothing worked. I would complain, but only feel ignored. I would cry, but that only made him feel manipulated. I would try to reason with him, but my logic only seemed to bore him.

No matter what I said, he never seemed to really get what I meant or why it was important to me, and I couldn’t understand why he didn’t seem to care about my feelings. There seemed to be no solution. (Christine Anu speaks to Mamamia TV about being in an abusive relationship.)

It was like there was a wall between us and no matter how much we loved each other, I couldn’t get through.

So many nights I lay awake in bed, listening to his snoring and feeling so utterly alone — I was sure there was something wrong with me. How could I feel so alone when we were in love? He was right next to me in our bed, and yet the emptiness was crushing.

There were times I just didn’t know how to tell him I didn’t want to make love. Instead, I would pretend to be asleep. And worst of all, after he fell asleep, sometimes I would masturbate. There was no romance left in our connection, but I couldn’t say goodbye.

It was better to be in a bad relationship than to be in no relationship. Or so I thought.

I was too ashamed to admit to myself that he scared me. I liked thinking of myself as a tough girl — I didn’t cry easily and I wasn’t going to back down from anyone, but the truth was that when he raised his voice, my whole body would cringe.

"I didn't know the first thing about true partnership."

I would get sick of avoiding hot topics just to avoid his wrath, so I would loudly and defiantly proclaim my right to free speech, which usually led to his telling me that I was crazy and making a big deal out of nothing.

The more I focused on what he was or was not saying or doing, the more miserable I became.

When I looked at the relationships of others for solutions, I found none. It seemed like all the couples in my world were having similar problems. Although I felt closer to my girlfriends when we would get together and complain about our men, the sarcastic laughter we shared, cut into my heart even as it cemented our friendships.

Was this all there was?  Was endlessly arguing with your partner inevitable?

Since my parents and most of my friends seemed to be suffering in the same ways I was, I came to the conclusion this was all I could expect.

I came to believe that love hurts — and that is just the way it is. In fact, I thought the agony I felt was proof that I was in love. (Post continues after gallery.)

Celebrities talking about their break ups.

Jennifer Aniston.It was possibly one of the most talked about Hollywood break ups - Jen and Brad. In an interview with Vanity Fair Jen shared her experience, "There are many stages of grief. It's sad, something coming to an end. It cracks you open, in a waycracks you open to feeling. When you try to avoid the pain, it creates greater pain. I'm a human being, having a human experience in front of the world. I wish it weren't in front of the world. I try really hard to rise above it." Image via WikiCommons.

Rita Ora.

Rita discussed her break up with Calvin Harris in Marie Claire, "It was more of a thing where I was in awe. I was at that point in my relationship where I felt he could do no wrong. I thought he had my back and that he'd never steer me wrong. But then 'I Will Never Let You Down' came out, and everything started to go a bit weird. I don't know if it was because business was mixed with personal or what." Image via Instagram (@ritaora).

Demi Moore.

Demi Moore discussed her breakup with Ashton Kutcher with Harpers Bazar - "I used to think that what scared me was the idea of being abandoned until someone said to me, 'Only children can be abandoned. Adults can't be abandoned because we have a choice. Children don't have a choice.' So I started to rethink. 'OK, it's not that. What's the underlying thread that really scares me?' I think what scares me is not having the courage to reach my full potential." Image via Twitter (@justdemi).

Kim Kardashian.

On her website, KimKardashian.com Kim shared her breakup with Kris Humphries, "I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn't get off when now I know I probably should have. I got caught up with the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn't know how to and didn't want to disappoint a lot of people." Image via Instagram.

J-Lo.

"It felt like my heart had been torn out of my chest." - Jennifer Lopez on Ben Affleck, in her memoir True Love. Image via Instagram.

Reese Witherspoon"[Divorce is] very humiliating and very isolating... But, by the way, if it's not painful, maybe it wasn't the right decision to marry to begin with." - Elle Magazine. Image via WikiCommons.

Cameron Diaz.

"When I was going through a bit of a heartbreak a little while ago, I said to a friend, 'Wow, this really hurts!' And he said to me, 'That just shows you what your capacity for loving is.' I would rather have my heart broken a thousand times than never to love at all. I have so much love to give I'm not empty of love, I'm full of love." - Cameron discussing her break up with Alex Rodriguez in InStyle. Image via Instagram.

Katy Perry.

During an interview on The Project Katy discussed her break up with Russell Brand - "Sometimes you can be blinded by your extreme emotions. I definitely was looking for answers during that time I wrote that song ["The Grace of God"]. And yeah, I was depressed, and it was sad, and there were thoughts, but there were never actions, thankfully." Image via Instagram.

Taylor Swift.

"There's just been this earth-shattering, not recent, but absolute crash-and-burn heartbreak, and that will turn out to be what the next album is about. The only way that I can feel better about myself pull myself out of that awful pain of losing someone is writing songs about it to get some sort of clarity." - Taylor Swift, Vogue. Image via Instagram.

Emma Stone."I was crawling on the floor. I remember throwing up. I remember being on the floor... I have never felt anything quite like that. It was so visceral. It's like someone has killed you and you have to live through it and watch it happen. It was awful." - Emma Stone on her first heartbreak, Interview. Image via WikiCommons.

My pain became my badge of honor, and in some sick way, bonding with my friends about the “fact” that “love stinks” and men and women “can never understand each other,” made me feel part of a club which made up for how rotten my relationship was making me feel. Or so I believed.

Pointing fingers never made me happy. It did enable me to feel justified in my anger and resentment, but what did that get me? I got to be “right.” And my girlfriends confirmed that I deserved better and he was a jerk who didn’t deserve me.

But even if that were true, it still never led to anything worthwhile. Blaming a jerk only keeps you in relationship with the jerk. Finding fault is a terrible waste of energy. What I needed to do was turn my focus onto me.

I began to notice that labeling, name calling and indicting my partner’s character and motivations only made me feel worse about myself in the long run.

Why would I prefer blame to compassion? I turn to blaming, resentment and name calling to shield myself from my own weakness, but those things don’t protect me. The resentment and blaming actually keep me stuck in a dysfunctional dynamic.

Growing up as a girl I was taught that as women, we are supposed to teach our men to be better men. It is such an old-fashioned and horribly patronizing worldview, and yet I have vivid memories of my grandmother, aunts and mother whispering in the kitchen while the men talked in the living room.

The whispers were of how we women need to let our men think they are in charge to protect their fragile egos. But as women it is our responsibility to ensure that the men act like responsible men instead of little boys.

Although I grew up thinking of myself as a liberated and independent feminist who had little interest in marriage, when I did fall in love, I found myself hoping he would change.