couples

"My biological daughter wants to have a relationship with me. But I don't want to meet her."

What advice would you give to a woman who has no desire to meet the biological child she gave up for adoption.

This is the question asked of Reddit users recently when ‘adoptivethrowhelp’ posted her dilemma.

'I wanted nothing to do with her' (istock)

She explained that as a teenager she fell pregnant, despite using protection with her boyfriend at the time. She says that she knew immediately that she did not want to keep the baby and wished to have an abortion. The situation became tricky as she was already 21 weeks along when she found out she was pregnant. Her boyfriend and her family were both against an abortion and urged her to proceed with the pregnancy and give the baby up for adoption.

The woman explains that this was never what she wanted but being a struggling student reliant on her family’s financial assistance, felt co-erced after her father threatened to cut her off if she proceeded down the path of termination.

With pressure from both her family and the baby’s father, adoptivethrowhelp went through the rest of the pregnancy and put the child up for adoption.

She says that she wanted nothing to do with the baby and while she realises the child is not to blame, says she feels nothing but resentment towards her. The poster describes how she has never really forgiven her family for pushing her into having the baby.

Recently she says that her daughter looked her up on Facebook and made contact. She has expressed a desire to meet not only her birth mother but also her extended family.

Adoptivethrowhelp says that for her, this is not a possibility and explains that she still does not want any kind of contact with her biological daughter as she finds her to be a reminder of traumatic events, too painful to relive.

Her daughter is a reminder of painful events (istock)

So she asks for help from the Reddit community on how she should tell her 21 year old daughter that she wants nothing to do with her.

The responses varied. Many commended her for having the clarity and selflessness to decide on adoption, knowing that she could not give the child a proper life. People acknowledged what a difficult position she was in.

I'm adopted. I've never had any burning desire to find my biological mother, but if I did and she did not want to meet me, this above comment would be perfect.

I think people who have nothing to do with adoption have no idea how complicated it can be. And so many people want to blame the birth mother, and think that the birth child is entitled to whatever they want from their birth parents, it sounds, because they were given up. That's just not true. You have every right to not want to see her, and if you were my bio mom I would respect that.

Other people brought their own personal experiences to the situation and assisted the poster in drafting a letter to her daughter.

I am glad to hear that you are doing well. Of course I will provide you with all relevant information you need about your medical history. I am no longer in contact with your biological father or your biological grandparents, but I can give your their names if you want. However, while I am honored that you would want to have me in your life, I just can't do it. I was very young and very alone when I became pregnant. It was an extremely traumatic experience for me that I was never able to overcome. That you grew up in a wonderful family that was able to provide you with more love, support, and a better life than I ever could, is the only silver lining. I don't want to hurt your feelings. I know you will likely resent me for my weakness but, for my own sanity, I just can't have this relationship. Please know this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with demons I never could face from my past. I wasn't ready to be a mother then and, honestly, I never will be. I am so happy to hear how well you turned out but please, for my own peace of mind, we can't keep continuous contact. I hope you know that I wish only the very best for you.

As the thread progressed it became clear that the ‘right’ thing to do was not always a clear cut situation. People argued over the rights of the child to information and the rights to privacy of other people involved.

I would not provide the names of your parents or even the bio father. Just as you seek privacy, they may too. in any event, it is not your job to provide this information.

What advice would you give?

00:00 / ???