ASK CHANTELLE: 'My partner wants to try mutual masturbation but I feel self-conscious. Help!'

Mamamia's Ask Chantelle series is a pervy Q&A session with Psycho-Sexologist Chantelle Otten. Think about all the sex questions you've wanted answers for, but have been too shy to ask. Nothing is too embarrassing, kinky or wild for Chantelle. Honestly, we've all probably wondered the same thing too. This week, one woman wants to know everything there is to know about mutual masturbation. And, if you have a sex question you want answered, email with Ask Chantelle in the subject line.

My partner wants to try mutual masturbation but I feel silly and self-conscious. How do I overcome it?

First of all, let’s talk about mutual masturbation. 

What is it?

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This might be a confusing term to some, as masturbation is usually a pretty solo activity and not something anyone else (besides our sex toys) is going to be a part of. 

Yet mutual masturbation is a highly erotic activity for partner/s to explore together. It involves partners touching themselves in front of each other, either in the same room or over an online platform, but the key point is touching and pleasuring themselves, not each other. 

Mutual masturbation is great for education, for learning how your partner likes to be touched and showing your partner how your own body accepts pleasure.

If you are nervous about it, that’s ok! Remember you never have to do anything you don’t want to do. But if you do want to give it a go… maybe check out how you look masturbating.


The way you look when you are experiencing your own pleasure is something that is raw, arousing and sensual. 

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You can really show your partner how ‘you do you’. So practice that first in your mirror, or filming yourself on camera. The most important thing is to relax your nerves. Put some music on - music makes any sex better. 

Giving yourself the opportunity to relax on camera, touch yourself, take your time and look back on that experience will allow you to:

1. Realise that you don’t look silly.

2. Show your partner how you like to be touched. Look in the mirror and realise where your fingers are actually touching your vulva. 

How to do it?

Like any sexual act, you need consent. After that enthusiastic “yes please!”, do what works for you and your partner. 

Maybe you want to be lying on a bed facing each other, maybe one of you is standing looking down at your partner on the bed, maybe you're sitting on the ends of the couch, maybe you're at a desk with your partner looking at you through your laptop screen, whatever way works for you. 

Don’t be afraid to try different places and positions. Eventually, you will work out the way that is the most exciting for you. 

This is also a great time to introduce your partner to any toys you might like to use when you're alone.

Let the toy join in the party and show your partner how you would normally use it. There are no limitations on what toys can be used.

Feature Image: Supplied.