A mum’s online advertisement for a second hand bassinet is attracting all sorts of attention… after all who wouldn’t want a bassinet that comes with the disclosure “midwives will hate it.”
Posted to Gumtree by a West Australian mum known only as Kobie the “100+ year old bassinet” has the unique selling points that it is “pretty as a picture; so long as you don’t look too close at the homemade liner and mattress cover” and that it was” designed in a time when babies were men, and those man-babies didn’t need no comfy, flat, safe cradles to sleep in.”
Hard to resist right?
She says it is “pretty as a picture; so long as you don't look too close at the homemade liner and mattress cover.” Image via Gumtree.
She writes that the “old fashioned design” will mean “midwives will hate it.”
She goes on “a Community Nurse will let out a squeal of dismay, whose pitch and captured horror will lead you to frantically glance at your undies drawer and wonder if you forgot to tuck any 'toys' away that had somehow migrated into the cradle and were currently being used as a pacifier by your sweet child.”
For those who aren't quite sure whether the advertisement for the bassinet is real or not happily it comes with pics complete with Kobie’s sweet baby looking just as horrified as the community midwife would be.
A Community Nurse will let out a squeal of dismay upon seeing it. Image via GumTree.
She suggests that the bassinet might best appeal to “middle-aged women who wander markets and festivals with their creepy life-like dolls in old, turn of the century prams.”
She says that she really needs to sell the basinet as she needs the cash to get a haircut saying she bought it during “a whimsical moment” in early pregnancy “when I thought being pregnant would be a holy, other worldly experience and had images of myself, glowing and slim, dressed in long white flowing dresses whilst I rocked my angelic baby in a white, wicker cradle.”
"I had images of myself, glowing and slim, dressed in long white flowing dresses whilst I rocked my angelic baby in a white, wicker cradle." Image via Gumtree.
Reality hit her though.
“After getting fat, bloated, sweaty and flatulent; discovering babies only smelled nice depending on whether you sniffed them before or after a wee/ poo/ vomit/ washing between their fat rolls and finding that I was too busy feeding/ trying to get my baby to sleep to entertain fantasies of being a stunning Gaia Earth Mother.”
Who could resist right? Image via IStock.
If you are interested in the bassinet she mentions she’ll even throw in a bottle of vino.. and help you drink it.
Her advertisement in full:
This 100+ year old bassinet was designed in a time when babies were men, and those man-babies didn't need no comfy, flat, safe cradles to sleep in. Co-sleeping? Pffttt... Put a blanket in a cauldron and those man-babies will have water boiling for your morning cuppa when you get up to feed them.
Word of warning: midwives hate it. The old-fashioned design of the bassinet is such that, upon seeing it, a Community Nurse will let out a squeal of dismay, whose pitch and captured horror will lead you to frantically glance at your undies drawer and wonder if you forgot to tuck any 'toys' away that had somehow migrated into the cradle and were currently being used as a pacifier by your sweet child.
Let's face it; it wouldn't be the first time.
The people this bassinet would most appeal to are middle-aged women who wander markets and festivals with their creepy life-like dolls in old, turn of the century prams.
The type of women who have a look of elation, tempered by a studiously exasperated groan when stopped for a look; followed by a slightly murdery glare when asked if the baby is real. The type of woman who might seem well rounded and down to earth, until one looks under her floorboards.
Now that I've endeared myself to my target audience, let me just say that the bassinet is as pretty as a picture; so long as you don't look too close at the homemade liner and mattress cover. These were surprisingly expensive at $50 for fabric, and $3500 for the sewing machine, which somehow ended up in pieces on the living room floor after being thrown, stomped on, and then beaten into submission with an axe.
Anyhow, we really need to sell this lovely bassinet that I bought in a whimsical moment in early pregnancy when I thought being pregnant would be a holy, other worldly experience and had images of myself, glowing and slim, dressed in long white flowing dresses whilst I rocked my angelic baby in a white, wicker cradle.
After getting fat, bloated, sweaty and flatulent; discovering babies only smelled nice depending on whether you sniffed them before or after a wee/ poo/ vomit/ washing between their fat rolls and finding that I was too busy feeding/ trying to get my baby to sleep to entertain fantasies of being a stunning Gaia Earth Mother I now need to sell so I can afford a haircut (easier then washing it at the moment). I
f you're not convinced to buy it by now (but who wouldn't be?), I'll throw in another offer.
If you pay $100 for it, I'll throw in a bottle of wine and drink it with* you.
*for you, I'll drink it for you
For a look at another vintage pram check out the one that Princess Charlotte made her first ever appearance in...