By ROSIE WATERLAND
Sexual relations can be glorious, but also pretty damn difficult to navigate. Anyone who says they haven’t made an embarrassing sexy-times blunder is a big fat fibber.
We’ve all been there. We all know the horror of an involuntary noise or a move gone wrong.
Here’s a list of the top 9:
1. Fanny Farting
Is there any moment more mortifying than the fanny fart? The worst part about this front-end flatulence is that it isn’t flatulence, but with the noise it makes who can tell the difference? This is the one time in your life you actually want someone to think that you passed gas.
2. Your hole disappears
Sometimes, no matter how much you want to be in the mood, no matter how much your partner tries to get you in the mood, that thing is closed for business. This usually occurs after you’ve freaked yourself out watching one to many episodes of Embarrassing Bodies and you become convinced you have every disease.
That, or “I didn’t know I was pregnant until I gave birth” type TV shows. *Shudders*.
3. You start thinking about work/TV/the Country Road spend and save.
Bodies are bumping. Passion is flowing. All the sexy things are happening. And 10 minutes later you realise you’ve planned your entire summer wardrobe. Kind of like when you walk into IKEA and emerge from the abyss 4 hours later with a Teflon spatula. You will never know what happened to that lost time.
4. You blurt out something dirty and nonsensical.
“YES! YES! CALCULATE MY #@%*bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep@#% PASTRY!”
Top Comments
Try being in the middle of sex n ur new bf of about 6 weeks stops out of no where to tell you he loves you, followed by awkward silence (I felt he didn't know me completely yet for that statement to be true) to then have him start crying because he is afraid ur gonna break up with him cause he said it too early ........ No I'm gonna end it cause ur a cry baby.
Also best mate had a magnet for attracting the real special breed of OMFG losers gets home 1 night to no#3 n he requests adding some spice to the bedroom she's like ok I'm game he says can you pee in my mouth!!!! WTF!!!!! She didn't next day he didn't understand why she was upset with him n I didn't understand why she was still there, he tried to ease her into trying it by asking if she would pee on him in the shower, in shock she tried to make a joke about not up for that but how about she take a dump on his chest n he was grossed out by that thankfully she was outta there
How about sex that puts your partner in ICU?
Some not so vigorous lovemaking resulted in a broken penis, an ambo ride, surgery and then several days in ICU when he failed to come out of the anesthetic. Try explaining how the "incident" occurred so many times you lose count (he was too busy sucking on the green whistle, no such luck for me) and the embarrassment when you find out that what you thought was his last name isn't... I didn't have sex for a year after....