I was scrolling through my Instagram feed last night when I saw a picture so troubling I had to take a minute.
It was of model and influencer Steph Claire Smith on holiday in Bali in a swimsuit.
So far, nothing out of the ordinary. But when you see the one piece in question, you’ll begin to understand my almost-existential crisis.
IT MAKES NO SENSE.
I’m not talking about how one person can look so good in what is really a waterproof piece of string because I know it’s a combination of good genes and a lot of exercise and healthy eating that Smith works very hard for and quite frankly, I can’t quite be bothered with.
No, the bigger problem is just how totally impractical the swimsuit is for anything other than an Insta photoshoot.
Can you imagine running along the beach in this? Playing a spontaneous game of volleyball? Hopping on a jet ski? Doing anything other than lying perfectly still on a beach towel?
Yes, the barely-there one piece that is taking Instagram by storm (and you’re bound to see all over your social media feed over Summer) is raising a lot of Thoughts and Important Questions.
Like HOW. And WHY.
Let’s nut it out together shall we?
First things first… The swimsuit is from Minimal Animale, a brand that makes swimwear for women who presumably have their Brazilian waxer on speed dial. The bib/one piece that caused me a sleepless night is called ‘The Reflection Suit’ and retails for $185.
My maths ain’t great but rough calculations put that as at $185 for about the same amount of material as most people blow their nose with.
While it might not be the best value for fabric per dollar, that factor’s not too different to many bikinis and one pieces on the market.
What’s concerning me more is the many risks and dangers that come with this particular design. Namely the wedgies.
(Come on, I know you were thinking it too.)
Wedgies. So many wedgies. Back and front. Up and Down if that’s even possible.
And what about the tan lines – or more accurately the burn lines? You’ll have to bathe in sunscreen before you even step outside. I’m assuming anyone wearing the swimsuit isn’t going to be overly keen on chucking on a rashie and a cap and chilling in a sun tent when they get to the beach. (Post continues after gallery.)
There’s also the small problem of actually being able to do anything beach-y when you do get to the beach. Quick game of beach cricket? Strap yourself in. Going further than knee deep in the sea? You’ll need some of that tape that gymnasts use to ensure all your bits remain, ahem, contained. As one colleague said, “It’s a fanny slip waiting to happen”.
Speaking of, erm, Aunt Fanny, the swimsuit – like a lot of styles on offer this summer with the ’80s Baywatch super high cut leg – throws up another conundrum. Nary a pube can remain in its natural habitat if you want to wear it, which means any spontaneous trip to the pool or sea is out of the question.
Like I said, you really must have your Brazilian waxer on speed dial.
It’s certainly an on trend one piece and if it’s your style then you do you.
I’m jealous honestly, that you have your life that together that you don’t have to worry about rogue pubes, or ending up shedding three layers of skin due to sunburn or being dumped by a rogue wave and your swimsuit strings coming undone, as seems to be ‘just another day at the beach’ for me.
Just maybe steer clear of the jetski.