Mila Kunis: Ashton Kutcher won't be allowed at the business end of my birth.

Am I the normal one? Or is Mila Kunis the normal one?

Mila Kunis has laid down the law about what Ashton Kutcher is allowed to see and what he’s not allowed to see while she’s in labour and she says NO to Ashton being at the business end.

“Two people are allowed in my delivery room. My doctor and my significant other. And he is staying above the action. He’ll be head to head. Not head to vag. Unless he wants to risk his life and see. But I wouldn’t if I were him. I highly doubt he wants to see that being ripped apart and shredded. Because it will be shredded. It’s just a matter of how badly.”

Mila, like most mothers in this day and age, wants her partner in the room. That’s not unusual. But is it okay for her to be banning him from the vaj? Does Mila think birth is icky? Why wouldn’t she want to see her baby being born?

I’m up the duff with number two right now and I’m basically watching birth videos on YouTube on a weekly basis. I think birth is kind of cool. I’m thinking about asking my husband to catch the baby this time around. So I’m wondering, am I the normal one? Or is Mila Kunis the normal one?

I needed to find out from some young women about what their expectations for who gets to see what, and where partners should be for birth. So, I just straight up asked them, “what do you think of Mila Kunis’ birth plan? Is birth icky?”

Here are their hysterical answers.

“Sounds like a good plan to me. The bloke needs to be in there to hear the screaming and retaliatory threats but there’s no need for him to be looking at the icky stuff. I certainly won’t be. Leave that for the Doctors.”

“Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher featuring in the “Vagina Shredding” sounds like a horror movie I do not want to watch. Ever. Would I want my partner watching a baby come out of my nether region? Not particularly. I don’t think I’d want to see that myself. Besides, who else is meant to hold my hand, and gaze at my lovingly while I hit them over the head with the first blunt object I can find?”

“Shredding?… Doesn’t the baby just glide out like in the movies? No way is my husband getting anywhere near the bottom. And if I have to be there, he has to be there. No questions.”

Oh! Ladies!! Doesn’t the baby just glide out? Why did I ask birth novices about whether or not birth is icky? Sounds like they’ve been watching far too many Katherine Heigl movies and not enough One Born Every Minute.

I wanted to give my birth novices some birth truth bombs that will make their pretty heads spin, so here are six “fun” facts about birth

No, the baby doesn’t just “glide out” like in the movies.

1. Did you know that, in the middle of birth, you’re likely to defecate without even realising it, right there, on the table, in front of people?

2. It’s quite normal for your vagina to tear. Mila refers to it as shredding. Some women just have a little bit of a tear that heals all on its own. Some women tear right from the opening of their vagina and through their perineum. Sometimes that needs stitches. Sometimes some midwives and obstetricians go right ahead and get a pair of scissors in there to cut it open before it tears. (Incidentally, I have to tell you, one of the great and very unexpected joys that has come with motherhood is encouraging young men in their early 20’s to Google “episiotomy”. Trolloloolllololllolol.)

3. You know there’s an awful lot of fluid that comes with birth. Like, a lot. And some of it is oddly coloured.

4. You know that birth smells. I can’t even describe what it smells like. But there’s a smell.

5. Oh – here’s a fun fact. Babies are purple when they come out! I’m not even joking. When my son was delivered, literally my first thought was “oh, he looks like a purple roast duck hanging in the window of a Chinese restaurant.”

6. I was pretty well informed about birth before William was born. But even I was not prepared for how heavily and how long I bled for after he was delivered. Take pads to hospital. And not your ultra-thins either. You want the surfboards.

What were your expectations for birth? Was there something you weren’t expecting that shocked you?