by MIA FREEDMAN
I own too much underwear. This is the conclusion I reached recently, while spring cleaning my knicker drawer. So I decided the time was right to make some piles: keep, stash and bin (unlike my usual wardrobe purges, there is obviously no give-away pile when it comes to undies…. enough said).
You can gain many insights with a quick flick through your knickers. Here are some of mine:
1. SEX AND UNDIES ARE TIGHT
(Tight as it closely connected – not literally tight because that would be uncomfortable.)
When men become newly single, they often mark the occasion with a primal ‘get-blind-and-have-meaningless-sex-with-any-chick-who’ll-do-me’ ritual. It’s how they get back in the saddle, so to speak.
Women? We go knicker shopping. Or rather, lingerie shopping (if there’s ever a time your undies get a name upgrade to “lingerie”, it’s when you’re dating). While the female lingerie ritual is inevitably more expensive than blokes’ 24 beers and a post-shag cab ride home, there’s a far lower risk of STDs. Especially if you follow the fitting room signs and keep your own undies on during the trying-on process. In my nostalgic trip down the memory lane of my knicker drawer, I uncovered two matching lacy sets I’d bought when last newly single.
For some women, designer lingerie is a sickness on par with the more common designer shoe addiction but I’ve always been more superficial. I prefer to wear my expensive buys on the outside. Spending a fortune on a bra (let alone a g-string!) is not how I roll.
But even for those who love investing in a bra the same way the rest of us invest in a handbag, once you’re actually in a relationship – things change. Oh how they change. I think the amount of cash and thought you put into your underwear is inversely proportional to the length of the relationship. Things always start out promisingly with a tantalising display of saucy, sexy lingerie. By the time you move in together, all bets are off and comfort rules once again.
2. CLEAVAGE & FASHION DON’T ALWAYS MIX
I used to own a number of water bras and push-up bras that seemed like a good idea at the time. I was probably single when I bought them. But wearing them now feels faintly ridiculous. And not just because I’m married. The Pamela Anderson look – breasts thrust up, together and forward – doesn’t really work with fashion at the moment. And it’s true to say that I’d prefer people to notice my clothes (or – gasp! – my words!) than my breasts.