The look on my daughter’s face stopped me mid-sentence. She was upset. My words were not consoling her. They were making her feel even worse. And in that instant when I looked at her – really looked at her – I realised what a terrible mistake I’d made. Not just this time but every time I’d told her the same thing in response to her distress.
Let me back up.
Last school holidays I sent my two youngest kids to an art camp. My daughter is 11 and she goes to an all-girls school so even though she has two brothers, she doesn’t find herself mixing with boys a whole lot. So when she came home halfway through the week and told me she didn’t want to go back the next day because there were a couple of boys who were hassling her – teasing and in one case grabbing her roughly by the shoulder and taunting her during a game of handball – I wasn’t that surprised. She’s not used to being around rambunctious boys.
Listen: How to teach your son it’s okay to cry, and other lessons for raising a feminist boy. (Post continues…)
So without even thinking, I launched into the speech I’ve given her in the past when something similar has happened.
“Oh darling, sometimes when boys like a girl they’ll tease her or hit her just to sort of get her attention. He probably has a crush on you! That’s why -” And in that moment I stopped. Suddenly, I heard the words coming out of my mouth and I was shocked into a new understanding of them. From her point of view.
What the hell was I teaching my daughter? That when someone likes you they’re horrible to you? That they hit you? That they tease you? And that you should just suck it up and be flattered because it’s kind of adorable?
Top Comments
Thanks for admitting that you were saying the wrong thing - it's not always easy to say that. I was surprised by your initial comments to your daughter though. I have a daughter who's six and it's never once crossed my mind to say that a boy was picking on her because he might have a crush on her. Have you been saying it to your daughter since she was little or only now that she's getting a bit older?
I also read an article recently that said we need to teach our daughters to stand up for themselves and be assertive, and I wondered what on earth other people are teaching girls?
Just last weekend, we were in a playground and a couple of boys told my daughter and her friend that they were 'babies' and couldn't play on that piece of equipment. My daughter promptly told them in very clear terms that she didn't like them saying that, and that her dad would 'smash' them if they kept bullying her friend. Then she came and told her dad, who was a little worried that she might actually expect him to carry out the threat but also proud that she was quick to stand up for herself. The boys quickly moved onto another piece of equipment and left her and her friend alone.
Never once crossed either of our minds that maybe the boys had a crush on her or her friend - or even to tell her to just ignore them.
By all means go after the bad guys but leave the good guys, who are the majority, alone.
And where on earth did you get the idea that girls are somehow nice, polite little darlings?
Like the boys, the majority are ok, but the rest can be right catty little madams.
as usual you completely bypassed the point