This week I discovered something disturbing during my travels across the Internet: Men don’t like sequins, apparently.
According to Sydney blogger Bree Nowland, “unless the vibe you’re going for is 70s roller disco party, leave the sequins in your wardrobe,” ladies.
And it doesn’t end there, things that sparkle are just ONE of the ten cardinal clothing sins being committed by women nationwide- and repelling members of the opposite sex.
In her piece published on The Urban List, Nowland enlists the help of **men** to demystify the art of dressing for their benefit. (Thanks again, men and sorry for all these years I’ve dared to leave the house without getting you to okay my outfits.)
High-waisted jeans are officially out, because contrary to your over-inflated sense of self worth, men are thinking, “your butt looks long, saggy and sad,” and you are reminding them of their mums.
Oh, that date you had who never called you back? It’s probably because you wore a tunic.
Birkenstocks? In public??! You’re dreaming mate.
I’m not going to regurgitate the whole list (you can read it here), but basically the take home is, if you are going on a date with a man for some reason (yuck, men), strip down to your stilettos and you MIGHT see him a second time.
Make sure you wear make-up though (you’re not an animal), just not too much of it… OMG YOU JUST CONTOURED YOURSELF TO A LIFETIME OF CATS YOU IDIOT.
Look. I know what you’re thinking. Now I have this handy list of dos and don’ts, it sure seems unfair that men don’t have one too.
I thought the same thing, so I asked **women** to help me compile one.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen… consider this a public service announcement- and go grab your petrol cans because these are the items you need to burn immediately.
1. Slogan T-shirts.
Not all slogan T-shirts? Yes, all of them. If you need to say it on a shirt, you probably don’t need to say it at all.
There is never an excuse for wearing a fedora. Seriously, how much sun protection do you need when you’re trolling women on the Internet? Because that is clearly all you do if are someone who owns a fedora.
3. Nipple singlets.
I get it, you’d rather be wearing no shirt at all… I’d rather have worn my pajamas to work, but here we are. Seeing a man’s semi bare chest has never (to my knowledge) caused a woman to spontaneously orgasm. Please, just burn them.
4. Upturned collars.
The upturned collar or ‘popped collar’ finds its origins before the 20th century in men and women’s fashion. It’s 2015 though and this isn’t a frat house, so soak that polo in petroleum.
5. OTT shirts.
Sorry, the ladies have spoken. Your novelty shirt needs to go back to the opp shop from whence it came.
6. Whatever the fuck a “sport coat” is.
7. Too-tight jeans.
Turns out when you can see a man’s penis through his jeans it’s called a “camel-tail”. I feel comforted that there is a name for this phenomenon, but I also don’t need to see you penis unsolicited.
Side note: If your pants are so tight you can tuck them into your socks, THEY ARE TOO TIGHT.
8. Baggy pants.
Baggy jeans are just as bad as super skinny ones, soz. The list of styles that are banished also includes, but is not limited to, drop-crotch pants, fisherman’s pants and giant basket-ball shorts. Are you actually Justin Bieber? Didn’t think so. WHAT ARE YOU HIDING IN THERE DID YOU KIDNAP A CHILD?
9. Ironic facial hair. And all other ironic accessories.
If your moustache requires wax, it’s too long. If you are carrying a walking stick purely to complete your “look”, I hope it gets caught in a crack in the concrete and you trip over. Are you carrying a man bag with nothing in it? Stop.
Bowties? Burn them. Suspenders, Christ no. Stop dressing like a member of Mumford and Sons, you don’t own a banjo. Jesus.
Honestly, there wasn’t consensus on this one, so I put it last. But as far as I’m concerned you should chop that thing off at the source and throw it in the fire-pit with your boat shoes.
Think I’m being ridiculous?
I am. Everyone should just wear whatever it is that makes them feel good** and date whomever they gosh darn want.
**Clearly I don’t mean fedoras. Fedoras are never okay.