celebrity

A list of what Meghan Markle can expect from Christmas Day with the royal family.

If you thought Christmas with your in-laws was awkward, daunting, or both, spare a thought for Meghan Markle.

The soon-to-be royal will be spending this Christmas with her fiancé, Prince Harry and the royal family. And gee, it sounds… fraught.

But what exactly happens on Christmas Day when you’re royal? Will it be the weirdest, most intimidating experience of Meghan’s life? Thanks to some Googling and speculation thorough investigation, we now know what Meghan is in for on December 25.

And she’s going to need a stiff drink or three to get through it.

The festivities will kick off for Meghan on Christmas Eve, when she’ll trek it up to Sandringham House, the Queen’s country estate in Norfolk. But she can’t just waltz in at any time and dump her duffle bag in the room with the biggest bed. She needs to time her entrance after the Queen, who gets in early to check all the silverware has been appropriately polished, but before pretty much everyone else.

Why? Because the royals arrive according to how important they are. Should she get there too early, she might catch Liz in her dressing gown, but too late, and her in-laws might think she thinks she’s better than them all. No one likes the standoffish new fiancée, right?

It’s going to be kind of awkward anyway, because Kate wasn’t allowed to go to Christmas until her and Wills were married, not engaged like Meghan and Harry. Kate knows it. Wills knows it. Meghan knows it. There will be tension. They will politely smile through it, and laugh about it next year.

Then, at precisely 4pm – literally, the moment the hundreds of clocks presumably at Sandringham chime in unison – the entire family should magically materialise in the White Drawing Room. Here’s hoping she has a map.

Listen: Mamamia Out Loud discuss why Meghan Markle’s Christmas Day will be 100 per cent more hectic than yours. (Post continues after audio…)

Here, they will put the finishing touches on the Nordman Fir tree cut from the 1,000 acre estate. Meghan will pluck up the courage to place a couple of baubles on the tree, which the Queen will probably have a butler rearrange because they weren’t put on right. Over sandwiches – sans crusts, of course – and scones with Earl Grey tea (this will be a test which Meghan will need to have studied for), everyone will receive a timetable and room-plan so no one has an excuse to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Next will come the customary Christmas Eve opening of presents. As an almost indistinguishable bead of sweat rolls down her forehead, Meghan will watch her future nan-in-law open her gift.

Days before, she will have asked Harry, ‘what the f*ck do I get your nan?’, to which he would have responded, infuriatingly, ‘she’ll love anything you get her’. Hopefully, she would’ve seen right through that because, no, the Queen of England will not love whatever you get her. She will smile, then silently judge you and hold it against you for the rest of your royal life.

SO, it’ll be a big moment for Meghan. If she’s smart, which she is, she’ll have sought Kate’s advice, who once made the Queen some homemade chutney. Brilliant. If Meghan has bought her a Thermomix or a spa voucher, it’ll be a bloody disaster. Everyone knows the royals get each other joke presents because, like, what in the world could a royal really need they haven’t already had fetched for them?

ADVERTISEMENT

Then, there’ll be a ~fancy~ dinner, women will wear jewels and ballgowns, and the men black tie. They’ll be served something festive, some game like pheasant or venison, and roasted wintery vegetables like parsnips. Afterwards, Meghan will collapse into bed and cry herself to sleep, knowing that was all just CHRISTMAS FREAKING EVE and there’s soooo much more to come.

SEND HELP. Image: Getty.

Christmas Day itself will be pretty boring, so here's hoping Meghan will get a good night's sleep beforehand. After a full English breakfast of eggs and bacon, the whole mob will make their way to a church service at St. Mary Magdalene church, where they'll greet the common folk. The church sermon will last 12 minutes max to keep everyone from falling asleep - Meghan will have packed her Kindle just in case.

At 1pm, everyone will sit down to a big lunch - salad with shrimp or lobster, and a roasted turkey, parsnips, carrots, brussel sprouts and Christmas pudding with brandy butter for dessert. Meghan will not mention she doesn't like brussel sprouts.

If she makes it that far, she'll then join everyone in front of a Samsung flat-screen TV and watch the Queen's Christmas Speech. Then, there'll be games, before, hopefully, Meghan and Harry will go back to Wills and Kate's place just up the road. Only there will Meghan let out a huge sigh of relief and unbutton her pants over a whiskey, neat.

Just when she thought it was all over, Boxing Day will see a 'kedgeree breakfast' - Google says it's 'cooked, flaked fish, boiled rice, parsley, hard-boiled eggs, curry powder, butter or cream and occasionally sultanas' - followed by the traditional pheasant shoot on the estate. The men will do the shooting because, well, patriarchy.

Meghan will feel deeply, inherently uncomfortable about this, and add it to her list of anti-feminist things she'll change once she's sealed the deal for real.

Finally, she will then go home and start mentally preparing herself for next year.

#PrayForMeghan

You can listen to the full episode of Mamamia Out Loud below...

00:00 / ???