When I turn around and bend over to throw some of Reservoir Mum’s desperately needed items of clothing into the drier I accidentally back up against the washing machine – which is spin-cycling to full affect – and the resultant pulse of pleasure not only commits me to the bent-over position for a further few minutes but also hurls my mind into the future towards Friday’s Date Night.
There’s the usual set-up; our spare mattress ‘Springy’ in the centre of the lounge room, the dull light, the scatter of takeaway containers and the empty bottle of wine, our Plasma playing some sweet romantic comedy as a build up to something a little more risqué and probably Russian. And centre stage to all this, for the final principal act, are the main players and their complete focus on each other – RM, the washing machine, and me… as a kind of double adapter.
I’m so totally hypnotised by the limb-entwining panorama of love, lust and white goods, and suffering such a rush from being able to pleasure two people at once – or one person and one household item – that I am reduced to the quivering embodiment of disappointment when the washing machine clicks off, shudders to silence, and releases my erogenous zones from its surprisingly skilled clutches.
If it wasn’t for four years of regular Friday Date Night shenanigans – the several hours of time we have blocked out for full focus on each other, no matter what other erotic encounters had been chanced upon during the week – I might be stuck here, unable to move, but my body has now been trained to a point of rabid expectation. Even though there is still twenty-four hours to go, it is already readying itself for the ultimate physical union with RM. My pupils have dilated, my breathing has become faster and shallower and my underarms are emitting pheromones so powerful they would cause a break-out of animals from the local Zoo, if I were to leave the house.
But while my body is transforming into an RM snare-trap, my mind and temperament are doing another thing altogether. Every housework related task is a Dragon I must slay to clear the path to the ‘Springy’ where she’ll be waiting, smiling, writhing away like a well-rubbed cat, fire smouldering behind her piercing glare to enhance her erotic control as her body communicates the unsaid, throw away your mop, your broom, and your battle-axe, dragon-slayer, and find a bucket of warm water to bathe my feet in.
It is this teeth-clenched doting dedication and wanton dragon-slaying intent for her that throws me into the housework for an hour and a half before I hear the front door open and the kids charging the hall, but by then our home is a crystal clean palace and the path to Date Night has been cleared.
Once the boys are snacked up and outside on the trampoline double-bouncing each other with the usual spinal-injuring, cranium-cracking intensity RM says, ‘The house looks clean,’ as she dips some cold roast chicken into a tub of Capsicum, Cashew and Basil dip and I have her in my arms before she can even bite down on it.
‘You looking forward to tomorrow night?’ I say, swaying our hips back and forth and then round in circles until she replies, ‘What? Camping inside with the boys?’
‘Oh… pissfuck,’ I say, as my pupils constrict, and my breathing stops, as my pheromones take their leave to make me reek of nothing but pure sweat.