"I masturdate at least twice a week. Sometimes more."

I’ve been masturdating regularly for a long time now. Since I was a teenager.

I do it a few times a week, sometimes at home, but mostly I head out. Occasionally, I even put a bit of lippy on first.

I masturdate in cafés, restaurants, galleries, at the cinema; I’m actually planning to grab a bite and do it tonight after work.

People sometimes look at me as funny, but I smile reassuringly back at them to put them at ease.

I love masturdating. Just love it.

To be perfectly honest, I didn’t always know what it was called; actually, I just learned the word for it today…

As any self-respecting misanthrope knows, people are just the worst.

I’d much prefer to spend an evening alone watching an objectively terrible film that I actually like, than having to feign an interest in something high brow to some smug idiot I have no interest in sleeping with.

Forget Netflix and Chill, more like Netflix and Nil, amirite?

Masturdating is perfectly healthy, I asked around my workplace and everyone does it. They just don’t always talk about it.

I mean, what’s better than pretending to do the quick crossword at your local café without some jerk being like ‘woah is that all you’ve done, I am so into the cryptic ones lately…’?

Or taking your nanna trolley to the market to buy a single lady’s weekly allocation of snacks?

After all, you’re great and you deserve to be treated nice. You can even take yourself some place fancy or order a jumbo popcorn at the movies. Whatever you want, you’re worth it mate.

The sky’s the limit and everyone has different tastes. One girl at my office says she loves to masturdate with a big bowl of nachos while watching Arrested Development, another just loves exploring the city.

Go on, admit it. You love masturdating too.

Listen to the full podcast in itunes here, or below. Treat yo’self.