My name is Keryn.
I have a small dog named Vinnie and I like to watch reality TV with said small dog. We also eat chips.
At 34 years of age I’ve realised this is a terrible strategy for finding a husband.
So I’ve decided to do the only logical thing – I’ve applied to appear on a reality TV show where they’ll give me a husband and a whole bunch of dinners… for free.
All I have to do is fill out this simple and straightforward application which won’t be at all pervy, invasive or emotionally scarring for life.
Telv and Sarah are fighting and we can’t handle it. Post continues.
So here we go…
After finding out my age, height and weight (I’m 26 years old and I weigh as much as one of those fish John West rejected) they start off with a simple and not at all triggering question.
Tell us about your upbringing and relationship with your parents.
My upbringing was fine and my relationship with my parents is completely normal.
ONE TIME MY CAT DIED AND THEY PUT IT IN THE GARBAGE BIN.
Then they took it out before I woke up and pretended the whole thing never happened.
They then held onto that secret for almost 15 years only blurting it out while drunk at Christmas lunch by saying, “It wasn’t our fault he was the first pet that died and this was before Google”.
Carmel and Garry pls… you can’t Google that.
Like I said, my relationship with my parents is fine. Fine.
What did your parents teach you about love?
They taught me that you’re probably going to end up hating the person you love but if you have a couple of good recliners and a Netflix subscription, you might not even notice.
What will be your parent’s reaction to you being on MAFS? Will they be supportive or against the idea?
My parents really want to be on Gogglebox so they’ll be peeved that I’m on the telly and they’re not.
Having said that they might get on Gogglebox if I’m on MAFS and the Gogglebox people watch that episode and judge us.
Holy shit, they’ll love this.
Who do you live with?
One small Jack Russell named Vincent Maree. He’s a big fan of the show and would like Telv’s phone number please (this is definitely not for me).
How would your friends describe you?
“She’s not all bad.”
“One time she ate a falafel and cried because she thought it was going to be a kofta and she was disappointed.”