Is sexuality something you DO or something you ARE?
Once upon a time, I was a sexual being. Sometimes it seems like yesterday, sometimes like a million years ago but there was a point in my life before I was married and before I was a mother that I was just me, a person.
And that person was bisexual.
I dated and slept with mostly men, but there was the occasional woman thrown into the mix. I wasn’t in the middle of Kinsey’s infamous scale, but since I was attracted to both men and women, I identified as bisexual.
I liked dating. I liked making out with people. I liked having sex. Sex was great. Sex was fun! But my days of dating and having sex (at least sex with anyone other than my husband) are behind me. I’ve been with my husband for about 10 years and we’ve been married for seven. It’s been more than a decade since I’ve so much as flirted with a woman.
Does that mean my bisexuality has expired? And more so, is sexuality something you do or something you are?
I’ve always defined myself as a writer, even when I wasn’t publishing my work. How long could I go without writing before I felt silly calling myself a writer? I went to art school but haven’t made anything more creative than the letter “A” crafted out of peas in many years. Am I still an artist? Would my husband still be a lawyer if he quit his job? Our labels help us define who we are. But at what point do labels become obsolete?
I was always afraid that becoming a parent would make me feel like a different person and unfortunately, the fear came true. When you become a parent, you give up lots of things: your time, your sleep, your ability to go to the bathroom by yourself — but do you have to forfeit your sexuality? No, but it’s really easy to do and it happened to me before I even realised it.