Okay. There’s no way around it – we need to begin with an apology.

We’re sorry for what we said last week about being done with weddings. We didn’t mean it. There were just a lot of weddings to watch in a row and two of the receptions were held at the same location and we felt overwhelmed.

READ: Married at First Sight Episode 3 Recap: A psychic bridesmaid just BLEW OUR MINDS.

But there’s (obviously) no such thing as too many weddings,especiallyfake weddings set up by experts who are maybe a little bit also considering TV ratings when they set people up with a partner they will definitely despise. There can never be too much of that,ever.

Listen to Clare Stephens and Laura Brodnik on The Recap podcast: It’s the show to listen to straight after you’ve watched Married at First Sight.

Anywho, we open on Vanessa and Andrew who appear to have had sexy time last night judging by their faces.

"Nah we didn't, lol. But seriously go away."

While over in Simon and Alene's hotel room, Alene is still having preciselynoneof Simon's hair.

"I just f*cking hate it." - Alene.

She's really mad about it and doesn't know how to bring up the fact that he needs to cut it like a week ago.

But none of that matters now. Because we're ready for TWO new sets of issues.

First we meet 33-year-old Lauren, who has an 11-year-old son and is worried it's going to be a deal breaker.

Bae... have you never watched a season of The Bachelor?

The last two winners of The Bachelor Australia. Single mum Alex Nation alongside single mum Snezana Markoski. Image via Channel 10.

Dudesdigsingle mums.

But the producers make Lauren talk about her son and the possibility that her fake husband will have a phobia of children for 14 hours on end and eventually she cries due to exhaustion/dehydration etc.

In the reflection of her teary eyes you can see a producer doing this...

Yes, single mum lady. Yes... be sad. Image via Giphy.

Because the experts are not at all capable of thinking outside any kind of box, they decide that the only suitable match for Lauren is a school teacher. While he doesn't say it out loud, you can hear John Aiken thinking, "School teachers tend to have spent time with children in the past. In a school, while teaching them. This means when they see a child they're likely to recognise what it is, and not confuse it for a strange bird or small mammal."

Introducing match number 17 thousand.

EXPERT MATCH SEVEN: Lauren and Andrew.

Hmmm.

Pros:

Cons:

Yes, very well.

Next, we're introduced to Debbie, who speaks as though she's perpetually unsure about who/where she is, and John, who cries every time he talks about his daughters, while assuring us he NEVER CRIES.

Debbie has been writing a children's book for 16 years and this brings us great joy.

EXPERT MATCH EIGHT: John and Deborah.

Yeah, nope.

Pros:

Cons:

YOU CAN'T JUST MATCH TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY HAPPEN TO BE OVER 50.

THAT ISN'T A THING.

Whatever.

Point is, by episode four, there's one aspect of this show that's really lost it's novelty: Having the couples tell their friends and families they're getting fake married.

OMG WE GET IT. Image via Giphy.

We know that they already know. They know that we know that they already know. Because there are cameras. And lights set up. And they're never surprised. They're not professional actors so they're just awkward when they're required to respond to news they've been aware of for months.

In the interests of ensuring the show doesn't go foralmost two hoursevery night this is probably part of the narrative they could skip.

But alas, they don't, and when Debbie tells her family, everyone cries. We're wondering if she a little bit left out the part where this isn't actually a real wedding, and the success rate is pitifully small, but her family seem to be taking this way too seriously.

Lauren tells her 11-year-old son and he thinks the whole thing is really weird, mostly because it is.

But...why?

John approaches his dinner table to announce to his daughters and ex wife that he is getting remarried. He says, "ready for dinner?" which is frankly a ridiculous thing to say given that they are sitting at an empty dinner table.

That dinner doesn't look fun at all. AND NO ONE IS GENUINELY SURPRISED.

BUT NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE WEDDINGS. FINALLY.

As Debbie gets ready, it becomes obvious that this match is far more problematic than we anticipated. "I'd love someone that's different, exotic, has an interesting culture, maybe has some Islander in them..." she says, and something feels oddly racist about this whole conversation.

Of course, John couldn't beany less Islander. And it'snot his fault.

As Lauren's wedding approaches, she becomes suitably anxious. "I don't know this guy, what if he's a murderer or something crazy?" she says. This...this is an extremely valid concern. Mostly because we think that if, say, Ivan Milat applied forMarried at First Sight, the producers most definitely wouldn't sayno.

"Yessss I'll be great on your show yesss so funny yesss." Image via Giphy.

"Normal people don't do this," says Lauren, and in a sentence, she's exemplified what it is we truly love about this show.

Lauren becomes a bridezilla as she's getting ready for her wedding, but really she's just all of us before a night out. The following are actual words she says:

"This is so sh*t."

"I'm bloated, I look fat, I look really curvy."

"My stomach looks really swollen."

"That's alright, I'll just be uncomfortable for the next 8 hours."

She yells at a bridesmaid for something to do with hair. It's brilliant.

"I hate everything about this moment."

But fortunately (or unfortunately?) she gets herself together before the actual ceremony.

As she walks down the aisle, she notices Andy is shorter than her, because this is something the experts do, intentionally.

Andy can't stop smiling. He is very happy, mostly because the bride he ordered is a 10/10. They awkwardly say 'hi' before committing to each other for life and then kissing in front of all their friends and family.

Over at Debbie and John's wedding, Debbie's...lost it.

She's carried along the beach by ISLANDER MEN who are playing the ukulele. Something feels so uncomfortably... colonial about this whole thing.

As she gets off their shoulders she literally looks at John and says "Um... but why are you white?"

"I was expecting a Polynesian from the islands," she mourns. Ah yes, a Polynesian from the islands (just any island?) as opposed to a Polynesian from f*cking Kazakhstan.

But...pls?

ALL POLYNESIANS ARE FROM THE ISLANDS, DEBBIE. YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THAT.

"I didn't know if it was my husband" she says, terrified.

They say their vows, and it turns out Debbie thinks a) She's in Polynesia (which isn't like... a specific place) and b) in the 1950s. She promises to submit to John and this wedding is just so problematic.

But the Polynesian-themed wedding that involves precisely ZERO Polynesians just keeps getting better. Highlights include when Deb introduces John as 'Robert' (I'm sorry but white-man names are so painfully similar), and when John politely pulls out Deb's chair but she's not ready so falls over in front of the entire wedding party. She genuinely hurts herself. It's the worst moment in either of our lives.

John's daughter then starts crying, presumably because Debbie stacking it was also the worst moment of her entire life. She is inconsolable and so are we.

Oh, as a side note, if you ever wondered what it looks like when two people have absolutely no chemistry, it's this:

DON'T TOUCH ME.

Debbie then makeseveryonedance to Polynesian music, surrounded by Polynesian men. "Now that's culture," she says with a knowing smile. We just...we're not so sure you can just steal culture? Can you?

It's kinda mean because she makes John dance and then criticises the fact that he can't dance. Buthe's not Polynesian.This is new to him, Debbie.

But wait, sorry, nothing can excuse this.