Okay – we need to say something we never, ever thought we’d say.
DEAR GOD WE ARE SO SICK OF WEDDINGS.
There is such thing as enough weddings and we have most definitely met our threshold. 10 WEDDINGS IS SIMPLY TOO MANY. Eugh.
Anyway, we open on 'malestrippa' Michael and small-ear-lobed Scarlett, who is slowly but surely learning to hate her face.
The producers unsuccessfully attempt to force them into admitting they had sexy time last night but alas they stay "tight-lipped" (ew).
We've already forgotten about Anthony and Nadia so moving on...
Simon is the most unlucky-in-love man the experts have ever come across. In his 20s, he found out he was epileptic and suffered 30 to 40 seizures a week. Unable to say his own name, he had to undergo brain surgery.
Wtf this just got real.
He's the "classic Aussie bloke" and we like him.
LISTEN: The Recap just covered Episode 3 of MAFS. And it. Got. Real.
The experts want to match him with someone who's "compassionate" because he's been through some shit. But they're just way too literal.
Meet Alene, a nurse. A compassionate nurse.
She's also from a far-away place named 'Lebanon' so the experts call her a "fighter" and say she's "resilient", which we're pretty sure is a really racist assumption to make. Like, her parents just migrated here. It's fine.
Her parents had an arranged marriage - which makes her the only person with any sort of justification for being on this show.
EXPERT MATCH FIVE: Simon and Alene.
- Simon had a brain injury and Alene is a nurse.
- Neither of them is Michael.
- He doesn't match her physical criteria whatsoever.
- YOU CAN'T JUST MATCH STRANGERS.
We then meet Andrew, who the experts describe as the "strong, silent type". His career is... ambiguous. Something about the army but then also Antarctica.
Okay... why do they always start with the man and then find a woman for him?
For no particular reason the experts name Vanessa, probably because her biological clock is ticking so loudly they couldn't ignore it for much longer.
EXPERT MATCH SIX: Vanessa and Andrew.
- Both single.
- Similar in age.
- Completely different personality types.
- Andrew doesn't speak which is problematic in relationships.
We wish that just once we'd hear John Aiken attempt to match someone and say, "a name that keeps coming up is...Mary," and then Trisha would stand up, throw her fake notebook and yell "NO. NO JOHN. THAT'S A BAD MATCH," and then run out waving her arms in the air.
And then Mel would be like "bloody hell, John. You've upset her again," and he would hang his head in shame.
But of course they agree, because science is always black and white and that's why they have such a
very very low high success rate.
Vanessa speaks to the camera about how all her friends are getting married and she's alone and pathetic. You can then hear a producer whisper "so...what if you never have kids? Like what if you never meet someone?" and then she cries on cue.
The whole "telling their family they're getting fake married to someone they've never met before" gig is getting really f*cking old, but nonetheless Vanessa's family do their best to feign surprise. One random man at the table who may or may not know Vanessa says, "her clock's ticking."
Wtf dude. You don't even have hair.
It's now Andy's turn to tell his mum and she literally says: "Oh wow. These lamingtons are beautiful," which is probably the sanest response so far.
On the other side of town Alene has a psychic bridesmaid-zilla and this is exactly what we need in our lives right now.
She guesses that Alene's future fake-partner's name will be 'Simon'. HOW DOES SHE KNOW THAT?
Just when we think this show couldn't get any more profound, the experts weigh in on how the contestants are feeling, saying they expect them to "feel emotions".
We're repeatedly blown away by their insights.
As Vanessa prepares for her wedding she keeps saying "I hope he's not shy... He can't be shy," and we're like HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING IT'S ALMOST LIKE THEY'RE SETTING INCOMPATIBLE PEOPLE UP ON PURPOSE.
But then terror strikes.
One of her earrings is missing. Which is legit quite stressful given that they were in their box last night. Her bridesmaid suggests just wearing one earring on the ear people can see, which is the stupidest suggestion we've ever heard. Like, it's clear she's not taking this wedding very seriously if she wants Vanessa to look like a crazy woman walking down the aisle. Wearing one earring is always a ridiculous idea.
As a side note, the producers DEFINITELY hid it.
Once the producer is bored of the earring drama, he/she runs down to the wedding car, smashes the wheels with a hammer and tells one of the bridesmaids to pass on the message that the car is broken, soz.
At Simon and Alene's wedding, Simon keeps saying stuff like "I'm shitting bricks" and we just really want him to not say that again because it's making us uncomfortable.
As he stands at the aisle waiting for his mystery bride, he is confronted with multiculturalism. It confuses him but he's not particularly bothered which we think Channel 9 was counting on.
The bridesmaid-zilla meets him for the first time, but has just one question; "What's your name?"
"Simon," he replies with a smile.
And straight away the bridesmaid-zilla hates him, even though he legitimately only said his name which is two syllables.
Alene walks down the aisle and Simon likes her face and/or body very much. He says he's seen her before, "in my dreams," and he just needs to stop talking.
The ceremony is lovely, but... wait a second. Is that... is that...
Alene's voice over says "the physical attraction is not there, which worries me, because it's important to have that in a romantic relationship." And in one sentence, she's nailed the entire issue with this show.
Anyway, Simon likes her, which is the important thing.
Another important observation is that THEIR WEDDING RECEPTION is at Le Montage where we had our Year 12 formal BUT ALSO where one of last nights weddings were held.
Guys, they must have a good two for one deal or something. Alene has realised Simon is quite a good person but her bridesmaid can't help but point out the bright red flag.
At Vanessa's wedding, she is sad for a moment because her father is overseas and can't walk her down the aisle.
But then he turns up and honestly it's the saddest thing we've ever seen because he left Rome to walk his daughter down the aisle at her fake wedding to a fake groom she's never met before.
This ain't right.
Vanessa and Andrew look each other up and down and don't hate it: success.
Over at Simon and Alene's wedding reception, her bridesmaid-zilla is there for mere moments before she asks a waiter, "Can I have some alcohol?"
Well, um, that's the truest thing we've ever heard.
Oh - you want to know why she needed alcohol? BECAUSE OF THIS.
Alene then goes to the bathroom with bridesmaid-zilla to bitch about Simon and how he can't dance but also how his hair is bad, and drops her ring down the toilet.
Bridesmaid-zilla always knows the right question to ask, so says quite frankly: "Did you wee before you dropped the ring?"
The answer is no, so she retrieves it out of the toilet bowl with a plastic bag, but none of that matters because once it's out she holds it with her bare hands. If you look closely you can actually see her contract cholera.
At Vanessa and Andy's wedding, Vanessa predictably does all the talking while Andy sits there and listens. Family and friends act like this is a problem but, eh, isn't this how most relationships work?
They seem like they might last, but who knows really, given that they've only just met and we know nothing about them.
The real MVP of this episode is obviously Amanda (AKA bridesmaid-zilla) who has concerns about Alene's new husband Simon, which are purely based on his hair. But then she talks to him and thinks he's funny, so decides she needs a "farmer too," even though Simon's occupation has him listed as a "business owner."
Both seem 'fine' with their matches, and we will have to wait until Sunday to see if any admit to boning each other on their wedding night.
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