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Married at First Sight recap: Anthony and Nadia do not live happily ever after.

Okay we need to begin with an aside.

This show… it’s…

It’s given Jessie glandular fever.

This is what happens when a program never ends. It’s episode twenty f*cking six and it’s all too much.

Tonight, the experiment is over, but um, evidently, the show is still goingThe voice over explains that this is the first time the couples have experienced life without help from the experts.

Clare Stephens and Kelly Glover discuss tonight’s episode of Married at First Sight on The Recap. Post continues below. 

OH GOODNESS NOT WITHOUT THE EXPERTS.

Real talk: All John Aiken did was tap on his psychology degree intermittently and issue them ‘question boxes’ that just ultimately started shit. And that one time he tried to give Cheryl and Andrew a “relationship bootcamp” HE JUST GAVE THEM THE SAME QUESTION BOX.

Most of the couples are trying long distance for the first time, except Alene and Simon who have decided to take a quick holiday to the Gold Coast.

Pause.

A holiday from what?

Your life makes no sense.

Do these people not have jobs? Don't they have somewhere to... be? They've literally just spent eight (?) weeks as part of a reality television show experiment and now they're having a break? We are bamboozled.

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Over in Vanessa's home town, she's anxious about maintaining a long distance relationship with Andy given he's "not one for in depth conversations". Eugh - she's always throwing low key shade at Andy and it's not his fault he's non-verbal.

SHHH EVERYONE SHH IT'S NADIA.

We get a flash back to (literally) last night when Nadia decided to stay with Anthony, and we both physically turn away from the screen in disgust but also disappointment.

She says that her lease is up in Brisbane, and she's thinking of moving to Sydney.

"I just need a green light," Nadia says as she seriously considers moving to live with a man who never, ever wears socks.

Oh. Wait. Are we... are we sensing hesitation from... Anthony's side? Surely not.

Bit busy, aye.

And yep.

Anthony tells the camera that he misses Nadia but he also likes having his own space to consider his options. Oh. Cool. Maybe that's something you should have thought about BEFORE you signed up to a reality show based on finding TRUE LOVE. Jesus.

"You're going to need me around when you have days off, for example," says Anthony. "And there's going to be times when I'm just not going to be."

Mate, your job isn't that important. You just took a lot of time off to go on a TV show, how does it make sense that you're 'too busy' to be in a relationship? We're actually really angry.

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Nadia goes quiet because, um, she's just almost been dumped by a guy she doesn't even like, which is the worst way to get dumped. Anthony asks, "Nadia, are you still there?" and she's not because she's too busy thinking about how she got manipulated for eight weeks and whether it was worth it for the gossip.

She concludes that it was.

And I regret nothing.

He tells her she'll feel better after a sleep and we're pretty sure we hear her say under her breath, "f*ck off," before vowing she will never sleep again just to spite Anthony.

Meanwhile, Nick is in Melbourne and Sharon is in Perth. They've been Skyping, which is a cool, new technology we've never heard of. They're both wearing wedding rings which begs the question, "should you wear a wedding ring when you're not legally married?" Eh.

In Adelaide, Jesse wakes up without Michelle, and... wait a second. Why are we following up with Jesse? He's out. He got eliminated. YOU CAN'T JUST KEEP FOLLOWING EVERYONE. IT'S TOO OVERWHELMING.

While he "wakes up to a future without Michelle," Michelle wakes up feeling... fine. She's good, thanks, although the producers have caught her stacking the dishwasher like an UNMARRIED LOSER.

Jesus. They've got footage of Jesse going back to work and it's sad because he's just looking at a piece of corn, and you know he's going to go home alone... and fart a lot.

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Ffff.

Oh, um. So things got heavy real quick. Nick has received bad news about his father's health - he's been diagnosed with motor neurone disease. This means Nick can't move to Perth to be with Sharon like he'd planned, because he needs to be with his family.

No that's actually really sad. These are unfamiliar feelings.

Back in Sydney, Alene is doing that thing where she sits at her dining table and looks at photos of her and Simon. It's her favourite past time.

Sweetie. Sometimes you gotta let Simon just.. be.
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She takes the producers through her home, and points out where Simon's cage was. Alene explains that sometimes she even let him sleep in her bed, because even though he doesn't like spooning, the bed forced them to touch. "I got to touch him and he had to touch me hehehe," she says. YAY. YOU GO ALENE.

Of course, Nadia is still reeling from her conversation with Anthony. She meets up with a group of friends, while he also meets up with friends, who yes, we believe are fake.

He tells them he still needs to work out whether he and Nadia want to be together long term, and we're just so furious that this is his decision. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN. He'd like to remind everyone that he's schedule is very demanding and that's not going to change.

NADIA HAS A JOB TOO, WE THINK.

YOU'RE NOT IMPORTANT.

It's clear at this point that Anthony just wanted to win the competition, and now he doesn't care about Nadia and her feelings. "We're definitely not in love," he says, and no one said you were. 

Nadia is talking to her friends about the possibility of moving to Sydney, but is trying to act real chill about it. She pretends that she'd be moving for Anthony, but, um, if there's one thing we know about Sydney, it's that IT'S AUSTRALIA'S GOSSIP CAPITAL.

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She says she's commited to Anthony and would hope she's street smart enough by now to choose a good man. Oh, sweetie no. Anthony is... it... it goes without saying.

Meanwhile, Anthony is explaining to his fake friend, "liking someone only counts for so much, so I mean, how much do you give it?"

We think maybe, like, more than a week. Tbh.

Oh, no. Vanessa and Andy be FIGHTIN.

Vanessa is mad because of Andy's personality, and also because he has chosen to climb Mount Everest. Which sounds like it might have been an impulse decision. But, in Andy's defence, Vanessa is always going on about how he should be more adventurous, so like... whatever.

Just change. That's literally all I ask.

OH SHHH SUSAN IS HAVING REGRETS.

Susan, babe. We could have told you that last night. But you had to find out for yourself. 

"I think about Sean all the time," she says, and, well, so do we.

OH NO HER EVIL FRIEND GEMMA IS BACK WHO PUT DOUBTS IN HER MIND ABOUT SEAN. Shoo. You're a bad influence.

Australia was very annoyed with Gemma last night, because everything you see on your TV is real and absolutely nothing has been edited for dramatic effect.  So Gemma is 100 per cent to blame for Susan's decision about Sean, and now, she seems to be having second thoughts.

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SHE'S ASKING SUSAN IF MAYBE IT COULD WORK ON THE FARM. Gemma, pls. You had your say.

"I love Sean and always will," Susan adds, and look. We think that the experts are up to something. Like they've restructured the geography of Australia, so their home towns aren't so far away after all! Wooohoo.

Goodness. But in the Gold Coast Nadia's world is and we quote, "crumbling down".

"Yep. I should go."

"It's been quite a long time since we Skyped, and we've just been treading water," she tells a friend. Nadia is worried that Anthony is closing off, which is most likely because he is.

"I want Anthony in my life. I adore him," she says, and we just don't believe her. 

Anthony has in no way expressed that he would like Nadia come to Sydney, so she does what any sensible woman would do in this situation: she flies to Sydney.

She needs to get answers. Anthony tells the camera, "Nadia and I are at the age where we have to get this right. Or we're wasting our time," and FFS SHUT UP.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

You can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Facebook, here.