Excuse us, but we have a lot of feelings, thoughts but also concerns about what happened last week in regards to the dinner party kerfuffle.
Very few couples came across ‘well’, and much like Nadia, we continue to be here just for the gossip.
We’re five weeks in, and tonight is the 77th commitment ceremony where the couples have to sit in front of three experts and declare whether they will “leave” or “stay” for another week.
If we sit through another one of these episodes to see literally no one leave, we swear to God. Someone’s getting hurt and it’s more than likely going to be John Aiken.
As we check up on the couples, we’re reminded that Cheryl and Andrew have separated, and are living in different apartments after having been sorta-semi-dating for less than two weeks. Their situation sounds a lot like a break up, but look, we all need to understand that sometimes when you’ve spent time with someone for less than 14 days you just really need some space.
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Meanwhile, Alene is busy threatening Simon, asking “What are you going to write?” before insisting with a menacing grin on her face, “There is a wrong answer.”
They laugh and then Alene locks Simon in a small room and feeds him scraps though a doggy door while whispering “… good boy.”
The producers are definitely trying to bait us on this whole Sean and Susan situation and we don't appreciate it. Susan says Sean is "backing off" and Sean says his "head is telling me to leave, and my heart is telling me to stay."
It was never meant to be like this.
This show was meant to be funny and light with gossip and yelling and unhinged fathers and John Aiken intermittently tapping his psychology degree with his index finger. This wasn't meant to be traumatising.
But the more Susan and Sean grapple with the nuanced ways in which their feelings intersect with the unavoidable complexities of reality, the more we actually want to die. They're so normal. And realistic. It's unsettling for us.
Oh THANK GOD Michelle is sitting down with her twin sister Sharon to yet again ask for permission to dump Jesse.
WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE TELL HER SHE CAN LEAVE. It's very important that she knows. She keeps asking and all she gets in response is vague comments about "seeing the experiment through" and a "slow burn."
You need to leave Michelle and we all know why.
It's Jesse's farts, and also his general toilet behaviour.
Despite the fact that Michelle does not have a shred of romantic interest in Jesse, she DOES have an interest in winning. And she will beat Sharon, even if it means a 25 years marriage with a dude who can't stop farting.
Sharon says that her relationship with Nick has been "effortless" from the beginning, which is kinda a dicky thing to say when a) we already know, and b) your sister is about to break.
To add to a completely unrelateable conversation, Michelle lies and says, "there's been some great days." Obviously, we then get a flash back of the one time Jesse and Michelle laughed together, but it was really just her laughing at him, like two days ago when she made him get a spray tan against his will. As a side note, we're pretty sure we accidentally got a complete shot of his willy on mainstream television. At 8pm. It was weird.
Michelle's convinced it's more of a "mateship," but Jesse has been holding in his farts for a full week now, so can't imagine she'd have a reason to leave.
It'd be sad if Jessie definitely didn't smell like fart all the time.
EXCUSE US IT'S TIME FOR THE COMMITMENT CEREMONY.
Michelle and Jesse are first up because he can't be expected to hold his farts in all night. He gets too... fidgety.
John Aiken asks Jesse, "Why was that important for you to get a spray tan for Michelle?" as though it's a normal and critical relationship step.
He says it made her laugh, but she was definitely laughing because she knew his willy was going to be broadcast on national television, and he was walking down the goddamn street like a criminal.
Jesse then gets randomly deep about how in the past when he's fallen for girls he's ended up heartbroken, so might be holding back his deeper feelings. Oh, that's sad. But it's also 100 per cent, definitely, not the problem here.
The last thing Michelle needs is for Jesse to start talking about feelings. This is not about connection or love. This is about beating Sharon and getting humiliating couples' spray tans and everyone needs to understand that.
Michelle lets it slip that she is not at all invested in this relationship, by reflecting, "You're going to make someone very happy one day. You're incredible."
Babe. You're still married to him.
Anyway - enough talking, more winning. They both choose to stay, for entirely different reasons. We're disappointed, because the producers definitely had us for a moment there, but SHHHHH IT'S ANTHONY AND NADIA'S TURN.
SHH SHUT UP SOMETHING IS GONNA GO DOWN BECAUSE THE AD SAID SO.
Anthony sits with his stupid leg crossed over the other and we just don't like it, okay? He takes up too much space and it always feels like Nadia is squished which is silly because she is a gentle flower and needs to be protected because she holds all the gossip.
The experts ask Anthony about the home visit as though they haven't watched all the footage, and he says, "If I'd had my way I'd have preferred to be in a hotel and I made that very clear."
He has literally said that exact statement at least three times. And frankly, we're sick of it.
He then repeats the whole, "I forced her to feed and water me," bulls**t which is a) offensive and b) not funny, even though he definitely thinks it is.
They ask how intimacy is going because that's a question people ask of all fake-married couples, and Nadia says she puts out cues but Anthony isn't very affectionate.
Oh my God it's coming. The moment we've been waiting for is coming.
YEP Anthony calls Nadia frigid. "You've been, for lack of a better word, frigid," he says, and we physically recoil from our television.
Is no one... is no one going to react?
Literally no one pulls Anthony up for using such a disgusting word to describe his fake wife. Not the psychologists, not the other couples, not Nadia - no one.
She says it's "embarrassing," but it's not just embarrassing, it's f*cked.
The experts continue talking to Anthony and Nadia as though they're just any other couple and not half psychopath, and ultimately, they decide to stay.
WHY. SOMEONE PLS TELL US WHY.
In a piece to camera reflecting on the ceremony, the two of them just bicker about whether or not they're affectionate. It's painful to watch, but also... brilliant.
Next, Sharon and Nick gush over each other and we're not even a little bit interested. Whatever, they stay together. Big surprise.
OH it's Sean and Susan and if one of them chooses to leave we will be done with this show but only for like, the rest of tonight and then we'll be fine.
Awww, Sean bought Susan an eternity ring. Which seems romantic until we remember they're actually full on married and already have goddamn wedding rings.
Sean says, "I'm feeling like I can't give Susan everything," while Susan reflects on how Sean needs someone to come on the farm and share his life. Both of them tell the experts that there's a point they get to, and then they realise they can't fall in love, because their lives are too different.
The experts... just... can't... fathom.
But... experiment? And, science? But also, chemicals?
John Aiken is sweating and Mel and Trisha are about to storm out because frankly, this couple are being ridiculous. The experts made a GOOD MATCH so JUST MAKE IT WORK, FFS.
Ultimately, Susan and Sean choose to stay, and while the things coming out of their mouths and the words they've written on their weird little cards are completely at odds with each other, we don't mind. George and Amal will make it work. They always make it work.
Now, it's Simon and Alene's turn, and Trisha (quite rudely, tbh) yells a question about whether they're having sex. It's inappropriate. And they're just... not. Because it's very hard to have sex when Simon is locked in a cage and only allowed out once a day for Alene to play with his hair.
They choose to stay. Great.
Ohhhh noooooo it's Andy and Vanessa. The experts comment that Andy's "started to throw himself in the mix" at dinner parties, as though that excuses the fact that, generally, he doesn't speak. Both Andy and Vanessa choose to stay, because free rent, free food, etc etc.
OKAY SOMETHING MIGHT ACTUALLY HAPPEN BECAUSE IT'S ANDREW AND CHERYL'S TURN.
Obviously, they start talking about the actual trauma and possible abuse case that came out of their visit to Cheryl's dad's place. Cheryl says she does "understand" her father acting the way he did (wtf). "I'm his youngest daughter, he wants the best for me," she says, but then explains that she stood up for Andrew.
FINALLY Andrew gets a platform to tell everyone that Cheryl defs doesn't like him and he's feeling kinda crap about it, tbh. Cheryl is surprised by his feelings.
The experts try to ask Andrew what his responsibility is in this whole situation, and in an indirect way he says, "I've been traumatised by her father and literally nothing is my fault."
Andrew chooses to leave.
Ahhh thank God. He really needed to leave. We're so glad something is hap...
We forgot the weird rule.
Oh no. NO. Cheryl chooses to stay. And John Aiken brings up the nonsensical clause which states if one party wants to stay, they both have to stay.
WHAT. You can't force someone to stay in a relationship they don't want to be in? But also you can because Andrew seems to have no problems with the arbitrary and not-at-all-enforcable rule. He shall be staying.
So there's still 20 minutes to go.
Ahh OK, so apparently there's a girls night and a boys night, for 'bonding'. Cool.
The 'boiz are staying in for some cheeky bevvies while the ladies are apparently going to hit the town. Well that seems fun. What could possibly go wrong?
Wait a second. Is that...? Surely...?
WE'RE SO ANGRY.
Out of every sexist detail about this show, this is by far the worst.
Yes, they talked about Vanessa as though her 'clock was ticking' and that was really problematic. Yes, they assumed that all the women would move to live with the men. But don't ever, EVER pretend like women don't like KFC. Women like KFC just as much as men and it's frankly a travesty that ONLY THE MEN got it, while the women sat around the GODDAMN DINNER PARTY TABLE with stupid champagne.
We're still not over the KFC injustice, but at tha boiz party, Andrew is being... sexist.
Nick asks him, "When you're having a conversation [with Cheryl], what are you making eye contact with?"
All the boiz laugh, and while they could be laughing because KFC just generally makes people happy, we're pretty sure they're laughing at Cheryl. And that's mean. Because Cheryl doesn't have KFC.
Several of the boiz continue to be cruel about Cheryl, and Andrew makes fun of her, saying they have nothing in common and nothing to talk about. This is why you need to be able to break up with someone on this show. Because otherwise you just get... mean.
Simon and Sean are friggin perfect humans and stand up for Cheryl, saying she doesn't "deserve to be spoken about in such a manner."
Anthony is loving every moment of the boiz being despicable people, because it makes him feel at home.
If it weren't for Simon and Sean at this boiz night, we would actually feel super deflated. But they are everything, and we will never, ever have any idea why they chose to take part in this show.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
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