Uh-oh. One of the Married At First Sight couples didn't even make it through their honeymoon.

Oh goodness! It’s been a long five sleeps…

Tonight, we begin with Jess and Dave drinking at 9am in a desperate attempt to forget the dance that took place at their wedding.

We're still mad. Image via Channel 9.

The experts attempt to remind us of the very scientific, very rigorous nature of this whole experience, saying "all participants have successfully completed phase one of the experiment."

Okay. First, it's not 'phase one', IT'S A FAKE WEDDING. We know, we were there.

And two, this is Not. An. Experiment.

In New Zealand, things are a little... tense on Craig and Andy's honeymoon. You see, it's Andy. He snores. And as we all know, snoring is one of the most annoying/torturous habits a human being can possess. The snorer is fast asleep, with a look of smugness on their face, while you lay WIDE AWAKE calculating just how little sleep you're going to get.

How romantic.

We discuss Dan, and the end of the honeymoon phase on the latest episode of The Binge. Post continues below. 

The worst type of snorer is the kind who denies they're doing it - but luckily Andy is no bullsh*t. He says, "I know I snore. I've admitted that. He went into the other room to sleep." Awks.

We meet Nicole and Keller on their honeymoon in the goddamn Cook Islands. There's a lengthy montage of them kissing in the water, running along the sand, trying to kiss under water and nearly drowning, etc. We can't help but wonder how the camera person actually gets half those shots...

Are you... are you filming from a boat? Image via Channel 9.

Nonetheless, they're getting along really well. Nicole sits in a beach chair with a glass of red wine, and encourages Keller to swirl his glass because it improves the taste.

Keller is slightly taken aback. "Do you drink wine and think, 'Mmm that's yum?'" he asks. Suchhh a good question. Especially about red wine. No one actually likes red wine.

"Yeah," she replies, to which he says, "Oh. Me too." We'd take a cheap jab about how he'd probably rather be drinking a VB, but it's not a jab, because he actually says he'd rather be drinking VB.

We then visit Jess and Dave, who are driving to Byron Bay for their honeymoon. Jess is loudly and passionately singing along to the Backstreet Boys.

But, but... Dave doesn't join in.

Pro tip: Never date a guy who doesn't dance/sing when the Backstreet Boys are on. You want a guy who goes straight to this level of emotional intensity.

So much passion on the right there. Image via Giphy.

"You're very into it," says Dave. Umm... yeah, Dave. It's the Backstreet Boys.

As they arrive in Byron Bay, Jess says Dave makes her laugh. But then comes the omen.

You guys, it starts raining. Coincidence? We think not. It's a metaphor. It's foreshadowing. It's pathetic fallacy. It's every film technique we ever learnt about in Year 12 English.

Oh, great. And now Dave is everyone's dad trying to use the diary cam.

Dave, not so close. Pls. Image via Channel 9.


Luckily, we're back to Andy and Craig, who would never do that ^^ on national television. They're literally in perhaps the most beautiful location we've ever seen. They say "Wow" approximately 47 times. Craig says "tonight's the night," while lying on the bed and peering at Andy from the corner of his eye. CALM DOWN, CRAIG.

Oh, we almost forgot about the super hot couple! They're not getting much air time, presumably due to lack of drama... which is kinda bullshit because in the few minutes they're on our screens the good looking guy (OK, Mark, his name is Mark) is cycling along and then HOLY MOLEY DID HE JUST GET HIT BY A CAR?


Legit, that was scary. Or did he just fall off his bike? We can't tell, he was filming one minute and the next minute a car went past and he fell off and he tried to convincingly say he was OK when he most definitely wasn't. This show is chasing drama in all the wrong places.

Oh... wait. Then there's the bit where they're playing scissors, paper, rock, which Mark keeps calling 'paper, scissors, rock,' and they keep getting the same result... and they're amazed because they just have so much in common.

Oh...oh. Image via Giphy.

If you ever catch either of us playing scissors, paper, rock in an effort to prove our compatibility with a life partner, then please, please punch us in the face.

Back to Nicole and Keller.

At this stage we're betting they'll grow old together. While they're having dinner together, Keller dresses up in traditional dress and dances for Nicole. Overlooking how culturally inappropriate it probably is for one moment, it's kinda sweet. He just wants to make her laugh. And, um, he's actually a pretty good dancer.

Dave could learn a thing or ONE MILLION.

By this point it's clear Keller has had more than a few drinks, and in a piece to camera he essentially goes on a YOLO tangent.

"You only live once... make the people you love happy... and just make everyone smile..." Okay Anthony Robbins Keller.

Meanwhile in Byron Bay, Jess and Dave are spending the day at Crystal Castle. It's all Buddhas and crystals and healing and zen and tarot cards and auras, and a certain someone isn't a fan.

Skeptic Dave. Image via Channel 9.

You see, Dave is a skeptic. And Jess likes believing in this stuff.

These experts are TROLLING this honeymoon.

"You're a sucker who believes in that stuff are ya," says Dave.

"I like to believe in..." Jess starts, before Dave interrupts, "CRAP."


And on another note, if you're such a skeptic, WHY DID YOU SIGN UP FOR A FAKE EXPERIMENT?

On Bella and Michael's honeymoon, they legitimately cannot get over how much they like each other. But most importantly, they understand that humour is the basis of a good relationship.

FACT: It is never not funny to zoom in really close on someone's face. That's like, being funny 101. And, of course, Michael's nailed it.

THIS WILL NEVER NOT BE FUNNY. Image via Channel 9.


Ahhh. Michael says, "If this is the start of love, then I'm going to be the happiest man ever," and his face tells us he means it.

BUT. Channel Nine has been teasing us all week saying Michael is going to drop a bombshell on Bella. We can't quite believe it. If Michael turns out to not be perfect our illusions of romance will be completely shattered. So what is it? What does he have to tell her?

Oh. It's something we all already know.

He tells Bella about his son, who lives in New Zealand with his mum.

"Like you're a father. That's crazy. That's pretty big..." she says, which isn't really controversial at all, but is made to seem epic because of the intense camera angles.

He says he wanted her to get to know him and then "maybe you'll like me enough to take all of me."

We'll... we'll take all of you Michael.

WE'LL TAKE ALL OF YOU. Image via Channel 9.

The experts explain that this is the point in the 'experiment' where the participants "find out who they've actually married."...Yeah, derrr.


They then deliberately contrast a voice over of Dave reflecting on how he doesn't have any bad habits, with footage of him cutting his toenails in the sink. It's unfair, it's strategic, and it's genius.

And then comes the awkward moment when we find out that Dave legitimately doesn't know how to brush his teeth. So there's that. He... he moves his face instead of his toothbrush.

Just to summarise: Dave can't dance, he plays golf, he cuts his toenails in the sink ON HOLIDAY, and can't brush his teeth properly. But when Jess goes swimming and tries to open up to him about feeling insecure and uncomfortable in a bikini, he can't relate. At all. He tells her, "I just think there's no need to feel bad about yourself. There's no point. It brings you down."

THEN he talks about his own weight loss. He says he used to way 130kg and now he weighs 93kg. Oh God, oh God, NO NO NO this is such a trainwreck.

Stop. Now. Image via Giphy.

You just... that's not... why would you...

When Jess tries to explain that she's just always going to feel uncomfortable in a bikini, Dave replies, "Yeah OK, always? You're never going to get over it?" JESUS, MATE.

He concludes, "To be honest, it's quite disappointing." And we all feel very sorry that Dave is disappointed by Jess' lack of body confidence (wtf is going on?).

From this point, Dave appears to have completely given up. He doesn't know if he can see "her physical attraction", which poses a lot of issues grammatically, and "the signs aren't that great". Basically he says that once the honeymoon is up, it's over.

We all feel very sorry that Dave is disappointed by Jess' lack of body confidence. Image via Channel 9.

Dave then proceeds to commentate the cricket to Jess, which makes the transition from honeymoon to hell official.

In a last ditch attempt, the producers send them surfing. Dave enjoys it, but accidentally-on-purpose leaves Jess alone in the ocean with what appears to be a really strong current pulling her out to sea. We think... we think Dave just tried to drown to Jess.

He says to camera, "Oh, I think I actually forgot about her", which is their relationship in a sentence.

But it's not their fake marriage that ends.

Oh no no no.

We return to Craig, who feels like he has "met a brick wall." Andy got weird about him touching his bum at the wedding, and ever since affection has been a point of contention.

All Craig wants is someone to hug him and pat him like a cat, which we can all obviously relate to. But Andy's having none of it.

Craig says "I don't want to be in the house... If my needs aren't being met, I'll walk away." And off he goes.

Twenty bucks says tomorrow night's episode begins with them reuniting because Craig actually just ducked out to the servo to get a Diet Coke or something.

Our mum keeps insisting we are two different people. For more from us....

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