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"Married at First Sight just delivered us one beautiful wedding. And one incredibly awkward one."

If you tuned into last night’s episode of Married At First Sight, you’re probably concerned.

Shaken.

Alarmed, even.

You see, the couples seemed to get along well. Almost… too well.

If these people actually LIKE each other we’re in for a pretty boring season. So brace yourselves: we’re about to meet the people matched purely for entertainment purposes.

Missed our recap of MAFS episode one? It’s right here.

Aaaand hello, Jess.

Straight away, Jess is a legend. The first words we hear her say are: “If a guy’s being an idiot, you need to be able to say, you know what, shut up, you’re being an idiot.”

AMEN, LADY.

Of course, this is the producer’s way of painting Jess as the overbearing, high-maintenance, way-too-confident woman, whose downfall is her sense of humour and having too much personality.

We have one of these on every season. Season 1 was Roni. Season 2 was Clare. This season they’ve spiced it up a bit with a woman of the brunette variety.

Same person across three different seasons. Images: Channel 9.

In the next scene she's loudly singing, "What's loooove got to do, got to do with ittt" in her car, while taking selfies.

SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN OUT OF THIS FAKE MARRIAGE AND INTO OUR LIVES.

She laments the shitty nature of the dating world, saying, “The people you meet are so far from what you envisioned for yourself.” Bae, you’re preaching to the converted.

Then, she recounts how she dated a guy who peeled his skin like a snake. Girl, our friend slept with a dude who's unwashed bed was surrounded by used condoms. It is DIRE out there.

Jess' faith in the 'experiment' is palpable. Image via Channel 9.
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Of course, the experts should be singing the praises of this amazing human being. But she has a vagina and also has opinions so... NO CAN DO.

"My concern is…" — OH GOD HERE IT COMES — "...Jess is a bit of a contradiction. She appears very bold, confident, self-assured, but underneath she’s quite sensitive and vulnerable."

Oh, yes. Poor Jess is fundamentally incomplete without a man to chill-her-the-f*ck-out, and the experts think a complete stranger named Dave "has the capacity to be a real grounding force."

Image via Giphy.

He plays golf. He lost a lot of weight a few years ago. In our opinion, he's punching above his weight. But, anyone matched with Jess would obviously be punching.

Literally not one bad thing is said about Dave.

Opinionated-loud-mouth Jess is matched with... golfing Dave. Image via Channel 9.  
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Next, we meet Craig. But Craig isn't your typical Married At First Sight participant. Oh no.

CRAIG IS ONE HALF OF THE FIRST SAME SEX COUPLE EVER ON MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT.

Sure, we might not have marriage equality in Australia.

Sure, we might have politicians arguing over a same-sex marriage plebiscite. Sure, we might be set to spend at least $160 million on a non-binding vote, which, according to current statistics, appears to be completely unnecessary, but you know what we can do?

We can FAKE-marry couples on reality television.

The awkward moment when a reality television show premised on arranged marriage is more progressive than our government...

married at first sight andy and craig
Too-tidy Andy with not-tidy-enough Craig. Image via Channel 9.

So Craig is a hairdresser in Sydney, and he's been single for three years. He explains, “I just want to date myself. Is that narcissistic? Maybe a little bit…”

Nah, let's be honest, that's all anyone wants.

Craig is matched with Andy, who is 40 from the UK. He has a hot British accent and is also just generally hot. He's been living in Sydney for five years and is a complete neat freak; he likes structure and order.

Call us the Mamamia Psychics but... we're going to take a wild guess that Craig is completely the opposite. A 'lil bit disorganised. A 'lil bit messy. This is reality TV, not a goddamn fairytale.

But whatever, we really like Craig. More importantly, we cannot put into words how much we’d trust him with our hair.

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DO OUR HURR. Image via Channel 9.

The experts keep repeating that Craig and Andy are a great match because they're similar in age and are both into monogamy.

Wait... why do we feel like they never mentioned monogamy to any of the heterosexual couples?

They blatantly ask Andy, “How important is monogamy to you?”

Probably as important as it is to the average person. WHAT'S WITH THE STEREOTYPE THAT GAY MEN ARE PROMISCUOUS?

Anyway, this season there are actually FIVE couples who are getting fake married. So we have one more couple to meet. We're introduced to Bella by being told she's a "helpaholic." Seriously.

Helpaholic-radio-host Bella with Saint Michael. Image via Channel 9.
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The experts have chosen to match radio host Bella with potentially the most beautiful, kind, gorgeous man on earth.

His name is Michael and he has a six-year-old son and he saved his family who were living in poverty in New Zealand by moving them to Australia and looking after them and legitimately, if this whole Married At First Sight gig doesn't work out he WILL be Cleo's Bachelor of the Year.

Omg we really like your face. Image via Channel 9.

Enough with the moving life stories. Back to Jess, who is phonetically yelling the words "PINNNOOTT GREEEGIIO" while demanding her friends "say it right."

She says she's looking forward to the 'kehnaps' (canapés) at her wedding, and we're reminded that pronouncing things the way they're spelled will never not be funny.

Her friends ask her if she'll have sex on her wedding night, to which she responds, AND WE QUOTE:

"I’m not having sex on my wedding night unless he’s drop dead and hung like a donkey."

OH GURL. Image via Giphy. 

It's... it's inarguably the quote of the season.

This woman is everything we've ever wanted to be. She then explains to her friends that people who ‘are hung’ walk differently. She demonstrates how they walk.

We can hear the people in the Channel Nine switchboard yelling 'ENOUGH WITH YOU,' so we switch back to Mel Schilling, relationship expert, to hear what the plan is for Craig and Andy's wedding.

Awww, you guys. Married At First Sight outwardly acknowledge that it's f*cked that same-sex marriage isn't legal in Australia, so they're flying the two men to New Zealand.

It's still a fake wedding, yes, but it's in a place where it could be real. Apparently 26% of couples who marry in New Zealand are actually from Australia.

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Jesus. The feelings have come back.

Craig’s family didn’t accept him. His dad was homophobic. He thought it was a sin.

Then we cut to Andy, who says that people don't choose their sexuality so "how dare a religion or a government tell me that the purest of emotions is wrong?" 

Andy goes on to make a Martin Luther King level speech about the importance of marriage equality and we're not crying but you're crying and we WEREN'T EMOTIONALLY PREPARED FOR THIS. 

Andy's unexpectedly heartfelt message about marriage equality. Image via Channel 9.

And just when we thought Married at First Sight might be a powerful vehicle towards social justice, we cut to Jess exclaiming, "My hair’s short and I don’t want anything that makes it looks shorter because it’ll make my face look fat!"

Ah, always tackling the big issues. 

Meanwhile, her soon-to-be-fake-husband Dave is practicing his turn at the altar. How should he look at her? How quickly should he swivel his body? Fascinating stuff.

Dude, that's a 6/10 at best. Image via Channel 9.
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On her way to the ceremony, Jess says she feels like she's "choking on her boobs." I'm sorry, but this woman is the voice of women everywhere.

Then comes the moment we've all been waiting for. She walks down the aisle. He turns to see her for the first time. To be honest, it's a little quick, and he squints a lot, but overall it's a 7/10 turn.

But things go downhill from there. We're not quite believing it, but it seems Dave isn't a fan of Jess.

"I don’t want to come across as some prick," he says, which confirms that what he's about to say will definitely be prick-ish, "but I had expected something probably a little bit different."

Oh. Like someone you had met before, or...? He reacts in a way that is literally every woman's worst nightmare.

If a man ever pulls a face like that at us..he is going down. Image via Channel 9.

WE'RE DONE WITH DAVE.

And thank God, because Craig is throwing a tanty. He can't find his vows. He has to leave soon and he is freaking the f*ck out. We would put good money on the fact that a producer stole them to create drama.

Eventually, he finds them, but not before yelling at the cameraman to stop filming him because he's going to lose it. Craig... that's the whole point. They want you to lose it.

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Across town (lol jks we have no idea where any of these people live), Bella and Michael are getting married. On the way to the church, Bella's friend warns her "he could be an arsehole. He could be not nice."

Oh, don't you worry Bella. This man is f*cking perfect.

Michael's face lights up when he sees Bella, and after the ceremony, he gushes about how beautiful she is. She really likes him, too. The celebrant questions what life choices she made to end up administering fake weddings for a living.

Do you do real weddings too or...? Image via Channel 9.

EUGH these two are getting along too well. Where's Craig?

Oh no. When Craig and his best man finally get to the ceremony...the ring is gone. Maaaaaybe Craig's best man accidentally left it behind mid-meltdown. It's not okay. NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO BE OKAY.

Meanwhile Andy is standing at the altar, repeating the 'lil line he's prepared for Craig: "Pleased to meet you, we made it." Stop. With. The. Feelings.

And CLIFF HANGER. We have to wait until tomorrow night to see them get married.

Eh, in all fairness, surely the first ever same-sex (fake) marriage in an Australian reality TV show deserves an episode of it's own.

Let's hope a handful of politicians are watching.

This week on the Binge, Mamamia's TV podcast, we ask 'Is having a gay couple on MAFS a Good Thing?'

Our mum keeps insisting we are two different people. For more from us....

You can follow Clare Stephens on Facebook, here.

And you can follow Jessie Stephens on Facebook, here

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