Like all classic love stories, we’ve reached the inevitable point where the couples must decide whether they will continue to be married-but-not-really to their pseudo-spouse in front of a panel of ‘experts’ and the rest of Australia.
BRB grabbing tissues. We’re in for an emotional night.
We begin with Xavier and Simone, who have been experiencing some tension in their relationship because after a whole four weeks, their romance has dwindled. But this is the finale, and it’s time for Xavier to pull out the big guns. So he finally gives his partner the grand romantic gesture she’s been waiting for… a ticket to A WANDERERS GAME. Jesus.
We’re not soccer fans, but somehow the Wanderers don’t scream ‘romance’ to us.
I'm sorry. Am I watching my very favourite show Married at First Sight, or a soccer game? Image via Channel 9.
Look Xavier, we don't mean to be rude but you failed at romancing. Big time. If you're pulling out soccer games four weeks in, what the hell are you going to be doing at 80? Inviting her to watch M*A*S*H with you? Offering to let her carry your clubs on the golf course? You failed Xavier, and even though apparently this game doesn't have 'winners' and 'losers'...
You lost. Ciao.
Now over to Farmer Mark, whose been pulling out romantic gestures ever since Christie pretended to be seasick during their wedding (because she was unsure about his face).
Mark takes Christie on a cute picnic, where she can establish whether 'country wear' really suits her, and Mark can demonstrate all the things Sydney is missing, e.g. grass, chickens, pastures and of course... Mark.
"Seriously, do these cowboy boots suit me or not?" Image via Channel 9.
It's at this point that things start to get weird, because it's been fifteen minutes and we haven't heard a swear word yet.
Oh. Bryce and Erin. There they are.
Even though we are obviously aware that this is the love story of our time, the producers are working hard to create tension. The narrator says, "Erin wants to show off her newly acquired cooking skills, one last time." OKAY WAIT.
Firstly, Erin doesn't have any newly acquired cooking skills. She forgets to put milk in the cake. It only needed three ingredients. She couldn't find an electric mixer. She had to call her mum. Her mum essentially said the cake was a lost cause.
"Oh sh*t babe." Image via Channel 9.
Secondly, what do you mean 'ONE LAST TIME'?!