Like all classic love stories, we’ve reached the inevitable point where the couples must decide whether they will continue to be married-but-not-really to their pseudo-spouse in front of a panel of ‘experts’ and the rest of Australia.
BRB grabbing tissues. We’re in for an emotional night.
We begin with Xavier and Simone, who have been experiencing some tension in their relationship because after a whole four weeks, their romance has dwindled. But this is the finale, and it’s time for Xavier to pull out the big guns. So he finally gives his partner the grand romantic gesture she’s been waiting for… a ticket to A WANDERERS GAME. Jesus.
We’re not soccer fans, but somehow the Wanderers don’t scream ‘romance’ to us.
I'm sorry. Am I watching my very favourite show Married at First Sight, or a soccer game? Image via Channel 9.
Look Xavier, we don't mean to be rude but you failed at romancing. Big time. If you're pulling out soccer games four weeks in, what the hell are you going to be doing at 80? Inviting her to watch M*A*S*H with you? Offering to let her carry your clubs on the golf course? You failed Xavier, and even though apparently this game doesn't have 'winners' and 'losers'...
You lost. Ciao.
Now over to Farmer Mark, whose been pulling out romantic gestures ever since Christie pretended to be seasick during their wedding (because she was unsure about his face).
Mark takes Christie on a cute picnic, where she can establish whether 'country wear' really suits her, and Mark can demonstrate all the things Sydney is missing, e.g. grass, chickens, pastures and of course... Mark.
"Seriously, do these cowboy boots suit me or not?" Image via Channel 9.
It's at this point that things start to get weird, because it's been fifteen minutes and we haven't heard a swear word yet.
Oh. Bryce and Erin. There they are.
Even though we are obviously aware that this is the love story of our time, the producers are working hard to create tension. The narrator says, "Erin wants to show off her newly acquired cooking skills, one last time." OKAY WAIT.
Firstly, Erin doesn't have any newly acquired cooking skills. She forgets to put milk in the cake. It only needed three ingredients. She couldn't find an electric mixer. She had to call her mum. Her mum essentially said the cake was a lost cause.
"Oh sh*t babe." Image via Channel 9.
Secondly, what do you mean 'ONE LAST TIME'?!
If Erin and Bryce don't make it, we seriously don't believe in love anymore.
In light of Erin's cooking faux pas, they do what they really should have done in the first place, and go and get Thai. Erin remarks that it feels like "...we got married yesterday." Four weeks in and they still have a spark.
In a cutaway interview, she says she hopes "he's not upset about this whole children topic." Ah yes, that old chestnut.
Bryce's voiceover says, "the only uncertainty me and Erin have is whether we see kids in our lives in the next few years."
Oh no. It's really clear that Bryce wants to be a dad. Shiiiit.
#CoupleOfTheCentury #WillTheyMakeIt? Image via Channel 9.
At Xavier's apartment, it's the couple's last morning together. Simone comments, "It would be nice for Xavier to offer me breakfast...but he sort of ate while I was in the shower."
XAVIER PLS.
She continues, "I've learnt that he's not an overly emotional person, he's not overly affectionate, he's not overly romantic...and that's okay that he's not that sort of person, but I am."
Yep. We didn't see it coming until now, but Simone and Xavier are done. And only one of them knows it. Awks.
Back at Erin's house (the storyline is all over the place - there's a lot of adrenalin in the production room tonight), no one can get over the fact she has a dolls house.
WE GET IT. Image via Channel 9.
Erin looks around her room and reflects on how exciting it was to live out of home. Someone really needs to tell Erin that in 2016 you can actually move out without a Bryce.
OH MY GOSH it's the moment of truth for Xavier and Simone. Xavier sits alone on his lounge, and looks longingly at a photo from his wedding day, which was also the day he met Simone, and was also just four weeks ago.
#Nostalgia. Image via Channel 9.
Like all finales, this episode mostly consists of montages. They met... they went on a honeymoon...
WE KNOW. WE ALREADY WATCHED THE WHOLE SEASON.
Xavier is keen on Simone. Simone appears to be no longer that keen on Xavier because he is lazy and took her to the soccer.
Xavier enters the room where it's clear the final decision will be made. Oh, but all the psychologists are there... making... observations. We were under the impression this was going to be a private moment between Xavier, Simone and the rest of Australia.
Pause.
Breathe.
Moments pass.
We are just trying to do to you what the show did to do us.
Violins. Harps. ALL THE INSTRUMENTS AT ONCE.
BAM Simone says "Nup, laterz!" and leaves Xavier wondering if perhaps a sausage roll and a coke at the soccer would have made all the difference...
We don't have as many feelings as we thought we would, because who even is Xavier anyway?
In all seriousness, what is going on with his hair in this photo? Image via Channel 9.
ERIN AND BRYCE ERIN AND BRYCE.
We watch a beautiful swearing montage, where we are reminded that it really was love at first sh*t.
Erin has mentally prepared herself for rejection, because she is all of us. She reflects, "obviously I've got some doubt in my mind so that if it all goes to sh*t I'll be prepared for it." So. True.
There's a lot of tension. We're sweatin'. They keep bringing up the irrelevant detail that Erin might not ever want to have kids and Bryce definitely wants to be a father. Eugh, drag. For a moment we really think Bryce could reject her. Erin is "sh*t scared" and so are we. Erin has a nervous rash, and so do we.
But Bryce, the gentle, patient soul that he is, says "those things will come." Well, sh*t.
Watch the greatest moment of TV history. Post continues after video...
As they stand together, somewhere in The Rocks, Erin mutters the words every 20-something would love to be able to say: "My tinder days are so done."
Stop. It.
In a significantly less romantic Tinder reference, it's Christie's turn to make a decision about Mark, and she reflects, "If I saw him online I'd swipe past him."
She continues, "When someone's so beautiful on the inside, it, it, grows."
WE GET IT. You don't like his face. But you DO like his personality.
In a bizarre turn of events, it appears Christie has genuinely fallen for Mark. She says "I look at him and see the future". Oh, well this is oddly romantic.
Christie telling Mark they're going to be together. Image via Channel 9.
We're not crying, you're crying.
Mark has fallen for her back. They live happily ever after.
OR DO THEY.
The producers still have 10 minutes of the final episode to fill.
They update us two months down the track. Bryce and Erin remain together, and Erin finally learnt to woman. All our dreams are dashed. She yells out to Bryce "do you have anything else to be washed?" and he replies "no I think you've picked it all up for me!"
Erin is officially living in hell. But she is blissfully happy.
Xavier is sitting alone on a park bench, near the ocean which represents loneliness. Simone is laughing about Tinder and trying to force her girlfriends to go to Bali with her. She reflects that at the beginning "it was like a fairytale". Ah, but like all fairytales, Xavier took Simone to a stupid Wanderers game and ruined the whole thing.
HOLD UP. It's Clare and Jono.
Jono is playing football by himself. This was expected. Most importantly, Dutchie seems to be slowly recovering from the ordeal that was Clare's last relationship.
It's okay Dutchie. He's gone now. Image via Channel 9.
But... but... Clare, what is that you have?
And, with only moments left, the second season of Married at First Sight peaks in a way we never thought possible. Tears stream down our faces, we laugh, we cry, we squeal.
Clare has adopted a new puppy. A friend for Dutchie. Her name is Ruby and she has spina bifida.
But most importanty, Ruby has to wear a nappy.
Sorry, we'll repeat that. RUBY HAS TO WEAR A NAPPY.
Meet. Ruby. Image via Channel 9.
Oh yeah, and Mark and Christie are still together and seem blissfully happy. They're playing with chickens.
WE NEED MORE CHICKENS!! Calm down Mark...Image via Channel 9.
If that isn't happiness, we don't know what is.
But as we predicted, the real winner of the show is Clare. Who couldn't be happier with her family of Dutchie, Ruby, and her other dog.
Dogs will always make you happier than people. The end. Image via Channel 9.