lifestyle

Man turns marriage proposal into 27 minute online resume.

By ROSIE WATERLAND

So epic/romantic/funny/viral proposal videos are kind of a dime a dozen these days. I mean really – how many flash mobs and/or crying women in restaurants can you see before it all gets a little old?

Enter Justin Baldoni.

Justin decided he would make the proposal video to end all proposal videos. And he succeeded – sort of.

It is going viral but more because people think he’s a giant twat than anything else.

You see, Justin (according to his wikipedia and IMDB pages) is an actor and filmmaker (past credits include The Young and The Restless AND The Bold and the Beautiful). And it becomes clear about 10 seconds into his video that the whole exercise is more about showing off Justin’s on-screen skills than it is about his relationship with actual wife-to-be.

It’s 27 minutes long (he did have to show off his entire range, you guys), so we’ve broken it down into a handy timeline so you can skip through to the best bits.

0:01 – We open with an emotional piano soundtrack. It kind of sounds like it belongs at a funeral but whatever works. Justin earnestly informs us that he’s going to propose to his girlfriend Emily. He’s cleared out the restaurant where they had their first date and covered it in hidden cameras and fairy lights. We then (and I’m not even kidding right now) fade in on an opening movie title:

2:30 – Emily is sitting in an empty restaurant, surrounded by fairy lights and she keeps asking “What’s happening?!? Somebody tell me!” Um… you’re meeting your boyfriend in a empty restaurant surrounded by fairy lights – he’s not sitting you down to tell you he has herpes.

3:00 – A TV is put in front of Emily and she is officially no longer the star of her own proposal. She’s now watching the pre-prepared ‘film’ that we’re watching. We get to see her face in the corner of the screen but one suspects it’s only so we can see her react to the fabulous things her boyfriend is doing for her because he’s so fabulous.

3:30 – Justin says he knows that she would know what’s going on right now because she has incredible ‘feminine intuition’…

3:40 – But just in case that intuition wasn’t enough: “I’m trying to propose.”

4:15 – He tells her he’s coming to the restaurant. Oh, so this is going to be one of those cute things where he’s right outside and now he’s going to come i – wait – nope. Cut to…

4:30 – I can do radio: He’s doing some bizarre skit at a radio station. It literally has no point to it when it comes to proposing but it does manage to demonstrate that he’s comfortable on radio.

5:40 – I am boy band material: Oh holy shiz balls. Now he’s miming an N’Sync song. And there’s no sense of irony to it. I actually think it’s meant to be funny, but it’s hard to believe he’s doing it as a joke when he’s taking it so seriously:

6:00 – The song is still not over

7:00 – The song is still not over

7:30 – I am slightly edgier boy band material (and I’m prepared to go shirtless): the N’Sync song is over but it’s morphed into Boys II Men’s “I’ll Make Love To You”. You know the only reason he did this one is so he could show off those sweet abs:

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8:53 – I’m prepared to do drag if you need me to: miming to Dancing Queen. Not clear why.

9:40 – Obligatory flash mob that LASTS FOR 3 MINUTES

12:40 – I would make a great action star: In this section of the resume scene, Justin is given a briefcase, told he MUST deliver it to Emily ASAP, steals a Porsche and runs really fast from random people.

14:10 – I can totally pull off emotional scenes: Here Justin finds out that the briefcase he’s carrying is empty, because (as the mysterious wise man tells him) “The only thing Emily needs is you.”

Justin then touches the ring the man gives him and his body shakes as he has a series of dramatic Emily flashbacks (you may have forgotten – Emily is his girlfriend and this is a proposal). We then spend about 30 seconds in an emotional close-up of Justin’s face:

16:30 – 20:00: I could do a reality show (my family look great on camera) Spends a few minutes outside the restaurant with his family. Poor Emily is still waiting inside.

20:15 – I could fit seamlessly into a Love Actually-style ensemble: Finally enters the restaurant. Please let the proposal be happening. Nope – first he needs to talk about how wonderful she is. Oh, wait, I’m sorry. I mean he needs to talk about how wonderful she has made him:

“You’ve made me a better man. You’ve made me a better son. You’ve made me a better brother. You’ve made me a better friend.” (“You’ve given me an amazing opportunity to show off my acting abilities.”)

22:00 – I can give long heartfelt monologues: Blah blah blah love stuff he STILL hasn’t asked the question blah blah blah.

22:30 – ?: No explanation can be given for this one. He goes to Emily’s dad’s grave to ask the headstone’s permission to marry her. The sentiment is nice, but you can’t help but feel it’s all an attempt to show he’d be great in a Blair Witch-style hand-held camera movie:

22:45 – I can be a romantic lead: Finally, FINALLY, he gets down on one knee. Oh, that’s right. This is a proposal. But he’s not willing to give up the spotlight just yet. There’s still… another… 40 seconds… before he… actually… asks…

23:25 – He pops the question. She says yes. They stare into each other’s eyes for a really long time. But, this is all starting to feel a bit too much like it’s about this Emily chick. Better remind the casting agents viewers who the star is:

Just to make sure, he gives himself top billing above his wife to be:

If you’d like to hire Justin, see his wikipedia page, which was updated immediately after this video went viral.

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