There is a thread on Reddit called ‘TIFU’ (or, ‘Today I Fucked Up’). It’s basically a place where people can go and admit the really, really stupid things they’ve done.
You probably remember the story of the man who realised he’d been using the toilet wrong his entire life. That was originally posted on TIFU.
And now, just whe we thought we’d never get anything as good as the confused toilet-user again, comes this man.
The man who tried to vacuum his own farts.
This is a sad story, ladies and gentlemen. It’s the story of a man who is lactose intolerant, but who really loves cheese. It’s the story of a man who tried to hide the gassy evidence of his cheese binge with the vacuum cleaner. It’s the story of a man who put the vacuum cleaner on his bum hole, and didn’t realise the suction would have so much force.
Read on if you dare…
This actually happened this afternoon. Not very much backstory needed for this one, however I guess I should explain myself.
Firstly – I’m lactose intolerant. Really badly lactose intolerant. If I have cheese, whey, pretty much anything with milk solids in it, I’ll start blasting with wind like an involuntary ass trumpet. Diarrhea happens occasionally as well. The issue is that I really, really like brie.
Secondly – I was home alone today. My girlfriend had gone out to lunch with her friends and I thought I’d surprise her by cleaning the house whilst she was away. Who knows? It could have led to some grateful sexy times. At it turns out though, this was never to be.
Before I started, I spotted some brie in the fridge. It wasn’t long into vacuuming that I started feeling churning. I farted a few times (relatively mildly), before an epiphany hit me: why don’t I vacuum away my farts? The smell will be contained inside the bag and potential embarrassment in the future may be avoided. Without further ado, to maximise absorption, I undid my pants the next time I felt another gas wave hit me.
So began the biggest mistake of recent memory. It turns out that between the negative pressure of a vacuum and the positive pressure of a fart, that the effect was stronger than anticipated. As the fart arrived, the gas was rapidly absorbed into the vacuum tube – along with the end segment of my large intestine.
Unsurprisingly, this hurt a fucking lot. I immediately turned off the vacuum and tried to push my sphincter back inside my ass – turns out that doesn’t work, and it also hurts a fucking lot too. Not long after, my girlfriend arrives home. I avoid explaining why I’m in the bathroom for a while, but eventually I come clean. She laughed way too much before realising shit was serious.
I’m in hospital now, being prepped for surgery to reconstruct my ass. Seriously people – as smart as you might feel about vacuuming away your farts, just don’t do it.
HE VACUUMED HIS LARGE INTESTINE OUT OF HIS BUM.