We don’t mean to alarm you, but there is something seriously wrong with Lara Croft’s breasts.
That is, if you ask Twitter user TJ Kirk.
Upon hearing that the video game franchised turned movie franchise was being rebooted in 2018, TJ was NOT a very happy camper.
Watch the trailer for 2018’s Tomb Raider re-boot:
Not because he didn’t think 29-year-old Alicia Vikander had the acting chops to handle the role last tackled by Angelina Jolie (she has, after all, won an Oscar). Not because he was confused as to why exactly every good movie needs to be remade instead of studios investing in new, independent and exciting projects.
No, TJ’s problem was this: Alicia Vikander’s breasts are just not… large enough… for her to possibly play a realistic Lara Croft.
So, he shared his thoughts on Twitter, also known as ‘that place on the internet where men decide they are allowed to share every possible thought that enters their mind’.
Do I have to be the asshole who says her tits are too small for me to see her as Lara Croft? Do I have to be that guy? Do I have to be the one who fucking says it?
I guess I do. Sorry. pic.twitter.com/5CsXwYFjBb
— Amazing Atheist Guy (@amazingatheist) March 10, 2018
“Do I have to be the asshole who says her tits are too small for me to see her as Lara Croft?” he shared with his 112,000 followers.
No. No you really didn’t and yet… here we are.
Perhaps this is the time to remind everyone that Lara Croft is not ~~actually~~ a real life person. She was ‘invented’ in 1996 as the star of video game Tomb Raider and is a fictional archaeologist who is described as an “athletic and fast woman” who can speak “several languages”.
She also just happens to have boobs. Two of them, which presumably play no part in her being able to search for, uncover and fight for the world’s most dangerous ancient artefacts.
And here’s the synopsis for the latest movie, due for release in Australia this week:
“Lara Croft, the fiercely independent daughter of a missing adventurer, must push herself beyond her limits when she finds herself on the island where her father disappeared.”
There is not one – and, trust us, we checked a number of times just to be sure – mention of the size of her breasts. Huh. Imagine that.
For the record, the very first incarnation of Lara Croft looked a lot like this which is… disturbingly inaccurate, to say the least, and only occurred when a developer “accidentally” entered the wrong ratio for her chest size:
We're assuming by "too small", TJ actually meant Alicia's breasts are not nearly triangular enough for his taste.
Luckily, TJ's tweet didn't go unnoticed, and he was soon receiving a swarm of replies from those who were unimpressed with his words:
Kinda thought the defining factor of Lara Croft wasthe whole tomb raiding thing, but nah I guess it's having big ol boobers
— Noah ???? ???????? (@Arkofalltrades) March 12, 2018
like you've ever seen boobs irl
— Cool Sandals (@CoolSandals) March 11, 2018
Literally nobody has to be "that guy". Ever.
— Jim unapologetically (@jamesdraper) March 12, 2018
Imagine watching the movie and your whole image of her as Lara Croft was taken away because of her breasts.
— ✾????????'???? 95❁ (@sequinsunflower) March 12, 2018
You're right! Absolutely right. I recommend you boycott this movie in protest and don't watch it, don't comment on it. Also boycott boobs and the strange flesh-creatures attached to them and don't speak to them or interact with them in any verbal or non-verbal way.
— Joséphine B. (@JozeyStarchild) March 12, 2018
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