"Dear husband: This is why your wife doesn’t want to be touched in bed tonight."

Dear husband,

This is why your wife doesn’t want to be touched in bed tonight…

Because today she spent about an hour arguing with the toddler how she gave him the EXACT cup he asked for, and she never promised nor do they even own a Santa cup.

Because she was vomited on after completing her weekly hair wash.

Because she was touched excessively by young people who have seriously sticky fingers. Even her eyeballs were touched today.

Because while she was thrilled to go and do a poo from her morning coffee, her children came in and tried to see what was in the toilet bowl and throw their toys down there.

Because her paperwork that she needed was drawn all over.

Because she wiped snot with her sleeve and held a teething baby while rocking and humming a jumbled version of ‘rock-a-bye baby’ because she can’t remember it. Her brain is fried.

Because she woke up early and she worked today, and caught a train with a guy who smeared his armpit juice in her face… and her boss rode her arse, and not in the way you were hoping you would tonight.


Because she had to scream in a pillow so she wouldn’t become ‘scary mummy’.

Because she finally had time to herself and tried to shave her legs and her hoohaaa but instead was interrupted by a toddler who wanted to come in the bath, who wanted to pee, who wanted to know where daddy was because daddy is better and ‘I love daddy and not you’…

Because even as she writes this there’s a child on her lap who doesn’t want to go to bed.

Because all this sh*t causes headaches.

So her half-shaved legs and lady garden are going to bed and they’ll see you in the morning when she’s had a rest and ready to roar again.

That is, of course, unless the children wake overnight… Then you can assume tomorrow is a ‘no’ too.

Laura Mazza is a mum and blogger at Mum on the Run. You can find more from Laura on the Mum on the Run Facebook page and Instagram.

LISTEN: Hello Bump discusses doing the deed after you’ve done the deed of giving birth to a small human.