The 12 lies every woman has told her hairdresser

Image: Ever told your stylist, “Thanks, I love it!” before crying all the way home? So have we (Thinkstock)

There are a barrage of emotions you experience immediately before a hairdresser appointment.

Excitement about what possibilities lie ahead in a world of no split ends and perfectly rounded GHD curls. Barack Obama-like hope that your limp strands will finally be transformed into Pantene-commercial worthy shiny locks with trampoline bounce. Nervous day-dreaming about the perfect life you’ll live once those greys are covered or that cheap Bratz Doll-esque balayage repaired.

And fear, also fear.

Fear that you will be found out. Fear that your performance will not be as convincing as it needs to be. Fear that your hairdresser with see through the shameless, never ending stream of bald-faced lies that you will tell during your appointment.

Out comes the hair tie, off comes your coat. “Have a seat, mind the velcro on the gown. Glass of water, cup of tea?” “Yes, please.”

Then, all of a sudden, the niceties are over and your hairdresser is judgementally rubbing the dry, sun-bleached splintered ends of your hair between her thumb and forefinger. “Goodness… how long has it been since I last saw you?” she asks.

And with that? The lies begin...

1. "Oh it's just that, I've just been travelling in Bangladesh, no, India; backpacking actually. I had a real spiritual awakening and you see, I just didn't have time to have my hair done with all the meditation going on...."

Or, if your hairdresser follows you on Instagram and you haven't had time to prepare some fake Photoshopped images of you with elephants or making peace signs in front of the Taj Mahal while wearing harem pants, you can try...

2. "I was bridesmaid in a friend's wedding interstate and she insisted we all have our hair done together. I desperately didn't want to have my hair cut by someone who wasn't you but I had no choice. Never again."

Next, your hairdresser sets her sights on the dodgy job you've done trying to recreate her expertise in the privacy of your own bathroom. And the lies keep coming, tumbling from your mouth like the misty orange spray of a teenage boy inhaling a bag of Doritos...

3. "No, I would never use a packet dye. I just tried a new shampoo, which seems to have had a strange chemical reaction with my natural colour..."

Or perhaps you got a little trigger-happy with the scissors, in front of the vanity cabinet mirror...

4. "I haven't been cutting my own fringe! Don't they just naturally grow a bit jagged...?"

In an attempt to grapple your way out of this web of untruths, you look desperately around the room for a topic of conversation that doesn't require you to make up another story. You mention a mutual acquaintance who you once ran into at the salon.

This prompts your hairdresser to launch into a deep and lengthy tale of the mutual acquaintance's recent divorce/birth/engagement/new job/bisexual orgy. To which you reply (with absolutely zero intention of following through)...

5. "Oh I miss her, I really should send her a text so we can catch up."

Next comes the series of questions from your hairdresser about whether she's doing something right. Delivered with the very best of intentions, everyone knows that these are rhetorical questions, which you cannot possibly be expected to give an honest answer to...

6. "Yep of course, I'm comfortable..."

When really, your neck is about to snap in their basin because it's been forced into an unnatural 180 degree back-tilted angle.

7. "No that's just the right amount of pressure."

When she is digging her long manicured nails into your scalp. And...

8. "That is the perfect temperature. Not too cold at all".

As Arctic ice water filled with tiny snowflakes is poured over your poor, freezing skull.

And then, once it's all over, the up-sell begins. You're toured in front of a cabinet of million dollar shampoos and conditioners that promise to give you the shiny hair you have right now (that will last all of 15 minutes once you step outside the salon) forevermore.

You have two choices: Take out a second mortgage on your house and invest in fancy leave-in conditioning treatments.

Or keep lying....

9. "You're right, I absolutely have to have the serum. I don't have the cash with me just now, but I'll come back in a few days with my sister and buy a few bottles."

10. "Oh I adore salon brand shampoo, would never use anything else but I actually bought the $89 limited edition red bottle version last week".

Then, you tell the biggest lie of all. But one that is completely justifiable in response to a woman who always promises you she'll 'take off just an inch' and then severs the entirety of your glorious painstakingly grown out lob.

11. "I really do like the length. It looks so much tidier without all those dead ends."

You think it can't get any worse, until she asks you to do it all again in six weeks - just so she can charge you another $300.

Internally you burst into fits of hysterical laughter, as your eyes well up with tears thinking how long it will take to grow out this pixie crop you've just been given.

You tell your final lie...

12. "I don't have my diary with me right at the moment but I'll ring and book something tomorrow. See you soon!"

Have you ever lied to your hairdresser? What's your go-to line?

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