Haven't you heard? Luxury toilet paper is IN. Treat yo'self.

Does your bottom deserve something a bit special?

Are you ripping off and bunching up regular 2 Ply?  Stocking the bathroom cupboard with a bulk pack of whatever-is-on-special-that-week?

Oh puhleeease. Don’t be so basic.

Haven’t you heard? Luxury toilet paper is IN.

Gold embossed, anyone? (Michael Dalder/Reuters)

According to a report in the Washington Post, Americans are living the high-life down below, with luxury toilet paper outselling regular toilet paper for the first time in 10 years. Sales for anything quilted, lotioned, perfumed, or ultra-soft are going gangbusters, reportedly.

Luxury toilet paper sales have grown more than 70 percent since 2000, and they’re expected to keep growing faster than all other categories. And this is a world-wide trend: a German manufacturer is embossing gold stenciling onto their TP.  And all because people want to feel like a king on the throne.

FOR MORE: Celeb endorsements that make no sense. Like Kim K promoting toilet paper.

The boffins at market research firm Euromonitor International, believe the upswing is due to an increase in consumer confidence, so we’re ok with a minor splurge down the toiletries aisle.

It’s nice that the hip pocket is extending some love and comfort to the front bum. But the trend has completely gone to the head of manufacturers, who are now ALL trying to harness the power of plush paper.

Like, when they insist on calling it toilet “tissue”. It’s not a tissue. There’s nothing delicate about wiping your arse. It’s PAPER.

Or like recently, when Kimberly-Clark paid for New Kids On The Block to play a toilet-paper-sponsored concert in New York.

WITNESS: the smiling faces of rock stars who are posing with poo paper. It’s. Just. So. Rock.

And then there’s the coloured toilet paper that we saw on The Block.  For reasons we still don’t understand:

Via instagram

And in a recent promotion for a unnamed bog roll company, a brand spokesperson said the company’s toilet paper would “be a differentiator in the premium bath tissue space”. WHUT?!

And then there is the consistent usage of Golden Labrador Puppies to sell luxury toilet paper. Dogs? Why dogs? Dogs don’t even use toilet paper.  And  if you’re paying premium prices for a six-pack, and your dog unravels one, that’s a damn waste. We shouldn’t be encouraging such behaviour.

But back to the issue of the tissue. A manufacturer we spoke to said they’ve noticed a growing number of people expect bum luxury.

“It’s the ultimate in cushiony softness. Its unique air weave texture blends strength, thickness and absorbency into plush cushions of softness for ultimate comfort. The result is a luxurious tissue with a difference you can really feel and appreciate.”

We had to double check it was TP Headquarters we’d phoned, and not a duck-down-feather-quilt store by mistake. #plush

The people have spoken. They are moving away from bog-standard home brand and saying hello to a quilted, gold stamped, lavender scented 4 Ply.

FOR MORE: Ancient texts reveal humanity’s greatest puzzle: Which way does the toilet paper go?

There is now a ‘right’ way for how toilet paper hangs. Last week, the first patent for a toilet paper was uncovered, putting the great debate back in the national spotlight. AND IT’S OVER, PEOPLE, you’ve got to roll it OVER the top. So, no matter if you choose 2 Ply or 4, if you fold or scrunch, if you wipe back to front or front to back, you can hang it right…

Are you a 2 Ply or 4 Ply kind of woman?