When my mother died I started lucid dreaming. I would catch myself mid dream; completely aware of being asleep and yet able to continue the dream without waking myself up.
I would fly over entire cities, breathe underwater, converse with people I had always wanted to meet and conjure entire self serving situations.
Even during nightmares I suddenly gained control; where once my legs became lead, I could run, when once I couldn’t move my arm, I could punch.
Most importantly, I would see my mum. I’d dream I was walking around a town, my town – and it was covered in corpses. I came across a temple, a haven from the outside world’s destruction. My mother was there. It was her temple. There were other people, devotees. I couldn’t converse with her. I did try though – I tried to ask everything I’d wanted to in waking life. But suddenly it didn’t seem important anymore. It was just important that I was there.
I remember hugging her in my dreams and thinking, remembering, that I wasn’t able to hold on to it or take it with me. Whether it was because I knew it was a dream, or that I had an understanding that she wouldn’t last forever, I’m unsure. I do however, remember the feeling – the embrace felt completely, unfathomably, physically, intrinsically, real.