I hate to be the bearer of bad news, and over analyse a questionable dating show based on a questionable premise proving I have more than questionable hobbies, but I decided to deep-dive The Bachelor’s Lisa on Instagram and have come to the very scientific conclusion she doesn’t win.
Already annoyed? I thought so. Already wondering how much spare time I have? Me too. Already desperate to see how I’ve managed to analyse this in a way that predicts the future? I most definitely saw this coming.
Lisa, a 24-year-old model and quite a fan favourite in this year’s show, was a sound front runner in the first two episodes. She had a single date, her odds to win came in significantly, and then she kind of, well, fell silent. This was naturally not by her own doing. The producers have quietened her down, and will continue to keep her quiet, bracing for a last minute surge. It keeps the show fun. Exciting even. Edge-of-your-seat kind of stuff. Duh.
Listen: Need to debrief more about all things Bachelor related? Michelle Andrews and I go deep on the latest episode of Bach Chat. Post continues after audio.
But she will not win, because I have no expertise, but say so anyway.
The last four or so Instagram photos she has posted with Matty have the following captions:
“Hey man, I know we just met but I’m really nervous, so please take my hand and let’s both pretend that it’s not sweaty at all…and while we’re at it, are you down for an arm wrestle?”
“FYI I won the staring competition. Thanks for the rose big boy.”
“Oi, where do you think you’re going? Get back here ya cheeky devil, the pizza is this way.”
“Matty, this is the second time you’ve taken me to the secret garden… get a new date idea mate.”
What do they have in common?
Ahhh. Mate. Big boy. Cheeky devil. Man. Friend zone. Sorry.
Consider this: The girls in The Bachelor mansion are good friends. Then consider the possibility you lost the competition, but for the sake of things, still having to pretend you might win. You know, for PR. It’s awkward. You’re probably not going to fill your captions with love hearts and confessions of love, because you’re now talking about your friend’s boyfriend.
And hence, you’re friendly about it, but not love-y. Thus, Lisa doesn’t win.
Then there’s THE front runner, Laura, who popped love heart emojis in two photos she has with Matty.
Laura, you guys. Laura has won. You heard it here first.
Very scientific. Very thorough. Very legit.
Oh, and trust me, you can’t hate me more than I hate me after this.