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FUNNY: "Advice for my hypothetical friend"

Lindsay Lohan

Not all publicity is good publicity and Lindsay Lohan has had her fair share of negative news coverage in recent years.  Police are now calling her a “person of interest” after a burglary in a Hollywood Hills home earlier this month. 

Lohan stayed in the house overnight with several other guests – and in the morning the home’s owner called the police, claiming that designer watches and sunglasses, totaling around $100,000 in value, were missing. 

Lohan’s response? She tweeted, “All of this negative press is BS…. Whenever I’m doing great, people fabricate lies. It’s such a shame. I’m just sayin’ xo.”

Kate Leaver has some friendly advice for Lindsay….

by KATE LEAVER

I nearly collided with Lindsay Lohan on a street in LA last year. She was wearing a white skivy and cream pants – a positively demure ensemble – and her face, peppered with freckles and framed by white-blonde hair, was creased with attitude.

A sheriff’s car was parked across the road – obviously her ride for the evening. She was trailed by minders.

I narrowly avoided walking directly into her ample bosom, and despite being often quite sensible, I was stunned by the proximity of celebrity. I went silent. I was star struck, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I love Parent Trap – always have, always will.

She said “Where the f*&$ is Alex?” in such a gruff voice I nearly mistook her Robert de Niro, but how can I really be sure she didn’t say: “I’m lost. I’m vulnerable. I need an Australian best friend to give me advice on my life choices”? I can’t. I can’t be sure that her brisk push past me in pursuit of “Alex” wasn’t a plea for help.

I’ve long been troubled by her life choices – a typical child star gone wild, with a good heart – but since this encounter I feel a little responsible for her wellbeing. Is that crazy? (Don’t answer that).

We do that though, don’t we? Assume a level of intimacy with celebrities, because we’re privy to the details of their loves, lies, marriages, divorces, trashy nights out on the booze. I know I do. I regularly become attached to troubled female stars – I’m extremely emotionally invested in Britney Spears’ mental health, for instance. I wish I could tell her she’s OK, babysit her kids while she picks out her latest midriff-bearing outfit. Hell, I’d even like to give Kristen Stewart a hug.

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Given that Miss Lohan is thoroughly unaware of my existence – such is the dynamic of a hypothetical, long distance, unrequited celebrity friendship – I’d like to share a little of the advice I’d giver her, if I could.

1. Lindsay. Babe. You need to just chill out a bit with the illicit substances for a bit, yeah? I know girlfriend’s got a wild child reputation to uphold, but babes you need some ‘you’ time. You need some Lindsay time. Do that for me, won’t you?

2. I want you to be careful, stepping into Elizabeth Taylor’s shoes for this movie. She went through some tough times, so protect yourself emotionally. I know you’ll do a superb job in the role – I’m thinking Oscar-level good – but just don’t let yourself be consumed by the turmoil of Being Liz.

3. I think it’s really sweet you’re having sleepovers with Lady Gaga and Lana del Ray. Despite her cray-cray outfits, Gaga is a good friend for you. And it’s just so darling that you included Lana – she needs to turn that trout frown upside down, am I right?

4. I’ve been meaning to say, you rock Saturday Night Live so hard. Girl got comic timing! Can you do some more comedy? Get on it.

5. Finally, babes, I have to be honest about something. Look, we all know you’ve got a banging body bod, but just…. Put the puppies away sometimes so we can focus on your acting talents, yeah? You’ve got so much to offer the world, sweets. Re-evaluate how you gauge your self-worth. You know what I’m getting at? We want to respect – but you’ve got to respect yourself first.

Call me. xoxo

 Kate is a radio producer, writer and Goon Show enthusiast. You can find her website here, and follow her on Twitter at @Kateileaver.

Is there a celebrity who you would like to give advice to? What would you say?

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