The signs of my post natal depression were everywhere, but I didn’t see them.
I was so desperate to have this be perfect I dared not admit it, even to myself. I missed my mum, every day I wished she was there to help me, to listen to me, to hold my baby and love her – spoil her the way I saw other mums spoil their grandchildren.
It’s all I wanted, yet she was gone forever. I felt so sad for my baby that I gave her more of me than I could spare, to the detriment of my relationship, my work, and even myself. The hole was too big and I couldn’t fill it.
There were good days of course; and they were enough to give me hope that this could be everything I had dreamed if I just kept trying, kept giving. I couldn’t escape the persistent wish that I could belong again to someone who was there for me as I navigated this new life.