With only a handful of sleeps until we find out which thin, beautiful and extremely Caucasian woman Matty has chosen to be his only girlfriend, it’s time to reflect on the very important and insightful lessons we’ve learned throughout this season of The Bachelor.
We learned the hard way that games do not in any way help people to fall in love. In fact, they are an unhelpful distraction. We also discovered that although Osher has several very important strengths, including but not limited to a) being omnipresent, b) appearing out of thin air and c) delivering date cards, he also has one overwhelming weakness. And that is games. He is not good with ideation, structure or rules, but most importantly, he doesn’t understand the concept of scoring.
But we’re most interested in what this season taught us about how to be a woman. Here we go:
1. You must always carry a bikini for when your date demands it’s time for a swim.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a picnic, a game of tennis or a relaxing day on a boat, there will come a time when the man you’re dating announces it’s time to be in your bikini now. You see, Matty J didn’t have time to waste. He couldn’t wait until date four to see Lisa in what was essentially her underwear. That’s ridiculous. A good woman is always ready for a swim, rain, hail or shine. Her bikini line is maintained, her armpits are flawless, and her makeup never runs.
It doesn't matter if you didn't bring a bag, or if Matty said you were going out to dinner. A good woman always has a bikini within arm's reach.
2. Never try and kiss a man. He will reject you.
This is very important. Being a woman means your primary job is to wait. If a man wants to kiss you, he will.
If you suffer a goddamn aneurysm and for some reason think, "Oh, I'm a 21st century woman, I might lean in for the kiss..." then that's fine - just know you will be alone forever.