This is supposed to be a piece about how I came out – told the world I was gay. The truth be told, even though I am out to my friends, most of my colleagues and my sisters – it’s always a touchy topic for me which I do struggle with. I still think, why do I have to come out? Tell people I’m gay? Isn’t the world a little more accepting, forward thinking? Why must I tell people who I’m dating? Why should anyone care?
I was in a relationship, with a man, from the age of 18 for 12 years of my adult life. He was my friend, confidant, someone I could laugh with, but not my lover. Did I know at the time that I was gay? Possibly, but society told me that as a woman I was to work hard, date a boy, eventually buy a house, get married and have children. So that’s what I started to do, until I realised that although society thought that was correct… it wasn’t right for me.
I started getting irritated with my relationship, telling my friends about my irritation, telling my then fiancé that I was irritated and couldn’t quite figure out why.
So instead of tackling the problem, I put it aside. I worked harder, putting my emotions and myself on the back bench, until I was ready to comprehend what was really going on. Everyone has problems, so if I put it aside it would eventually figure itself out.
Years passed, five to be exact, I hit 30 and I started listening to myself. I was progressing in my career, I part owned a property, I had a great bunch of friends but there was still a big hole in my life and that was my relationship. I hadn’t been sexually attracted to my partner and I hadn’t really explored my own sexuality, nor did I want to.
At that point I thought – surely this is not normal? And so the journey began. I packed up my bags, walked out of my home and walked into my father’s home without giving an explanation. It was the hardest thing that I ever had to do but it was necessary.
Watch Mamamia staff reveal the moment they knew their relationships were over. Post continues after video..
From that point I still hadn’t been honest with myself, I couldn’t let go of my relationship but wanted to move on. I sought help from psychologists, psychics and kinesiologists, but not one of them could advise me on the real issue.
Why? Because I wouldn’t admit it to myself let alone anyone else.
Months passed and I started getting more in tune with my heart, mind, body and single self. I started feeling emotions of desire and sexual frustration and not for the male equation. I was into females and I didn’t care what anyone thought, so I opened up my heart and strapped myself in for the ride.
It was Autumn of 2014 when I went on my first date with a woman. Never in my 12 year relationship had I put my heart on the line, but it was here that I did.
I was vulnerable, and impressionable. It was as if my mind had reverted back to being its teenager ways (which I hadn’t experienced in my 12 years of being in a relationship), I was a new person and there was no stopping me. It was only inevitable that I fell hard. Really hard.
The relationship was toxic yet addictive.
I was being cheated on and although I knew that she was the wrong person to be with, I was experiencing feelings of desire, lust and what I thought was love, so I didn’t want to let go. I was a new me, the complete opposite of my former self and I liked it. Although I hated the situation and felt reckless, I guess being in love with a cheating partner is better than not feeling love at all.
Months of many tears and heartbreak had passed and I packed up my bags yet again, booked a one way flight and went away – I needed to clear my head and my heart. What better way to do it than in a new country, where no one knew my name or my story? My mentality was that I could start fresh and possibly get my life back on track. That only lasted for a year, as I eventually realised that running from problems does not solve them.
I have now been back in Sydney for 6 months, I have resolved some of my past problems, but let’s face it no one’s perfect! I have a girlfriend who keeps me grounded and makes me feel blessed daily. I am yet to come out to my father and extended family but know that it takes time.
Since breaking up with my fiancé, I have always tried to stay true to myself and that’s why this story is not (and will never be) about coming out. Instead, it’s a lesson in being true to yourself.
Are you gay? When did you realise, and how have your loved ones reacted?