This is supposed to be a piece about how I came out – told the world I was gay. The truth be told, even though I am out to my friends, most of my colleagues and my sisters – it’s always a touchy topic for me which I do struggle with. I still think, why do I have to come out? Tell people I’m gay? Isn’t the world a little more accepting, forward thinking? Why must I tell people who I’m dating? Why should anyone care?
I was in a relationship, with a man, from the age of 18 for 12 years of my adult life. He was my friend, confidant, someone I could laugh with, but not my lover. Did I know at the time that I was gay? Possibly, but society told me that as a woman I was to work hard, date a boy, eventually buy a house, get married and have children. So that’s what I started to do, until I realised that although society thought that was correct… it wasn’t right for me.
I started getting irritated with my relationship, telling my friends about my irritation, telling my then fiancé that I was irritated and couldn’t quite figure out why.
So instead of tackling the problem, I put it aside. I worked harder, putting my emotions and myself on the back bench, until I was ready to comprehend what was really going on. Everyone has problems, so if I put it aside it would eventually figure itself out.
Years passed, five to be exact, I hit 30 and I started listening to myself. I was progressing in my career, I part owned a property, I had a great bunch of friends but there was still a big hole in my life and that was my relationship. I hadn’t been sexually attracted to my partner and I hadn’t really explored my own sexuality, nor did I want to.
At that point I thought – surely this is not normal? And so the journey began. I packed up my bags, walked out of my home and walked into my father’s home without giving an explanation. It was the hardest thing that I ever had to do but it was necessary.
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From that point I still hadn’t been honest with myself, I couldn’t let go of my relationship but wanted to move on. I sought help from psychologists, psychics and kinesiologists, but not one of them could advise me on the real issue.