I remember the first time someone asked me how lesbians have sex. 

I was at work and had recently come out when one of the surgeons I worked with asked me how I was enjoying the other side of the fence and if I could give him a little insight into what happens behind closed doors. 

Appalled and humiliated I laughed off the question because I was a baby dyke and I was still figuring it out for myself. So I declined to answer to which the surgeon proceeded to mash both of his hands together in a very aggressive scissoring motion. *insert eye-roll here*.

To be honest, back then I didn’t even know if lesbians scissored. I had literally just met my first girlfriend, and that was all ahead of me. 

But here I am 10 years later with a bit more insight and a lot more experience, so let us enlighten the world with the ins and outs of sapphic relations and debunk a few myths while we’re here.

Lesbian Sex Myth #1: Lesbian sex isn’t real sex.

Let’s get this one out of the way shall we? Lesbian sex is 100% real sex. 

Who gets to decide what real sex is, anyway? If your definition of sex is a penis in a vagina, then I pity you because my God there is a whole world out there waiting to be discovered and a lot more orgasms.

Hands, tongues, genitalia, erogenous zones... a lesbian couple has everything a straight couple has (except maybe an appendage, but that’s easily fixed). 

Quick side note: Have a listen to Mamamia's Overshare podcast, where Kelly, Flex and Lem discuss whether kissing always leads to sex. Post continues after podcast. 

Many of us have sexual urges and like to rub our erogenous zones together from time to time. The rubbing, stimulating, licking and sucking of various body parts does indeed make us feel tingly, wet and we do cum. And if the research in this field is anything to go by women in same-sex relationships orgasm more than straight women so even if it’s not 'real sex' I’ll stick to my version.

The bottom line is if you’re horny and it feels good then it’s probably sex.

Lesbian Sex Myth #2: Lesbians are all 'tight'.

Why is it that people assume that just because someone hasn’t had a penis inside of them recently that they are tight? More importantly, why do we place such a moral value on the diameter of a women’s vagina? 

Fun fact: Vaginas dilate both when aroused and during childbirth, so move on.

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While we are on the topic though, it's cute you like to think lesbians are "tight" because they don't have penises inside them. But I'm pretty sure my dildo is way bigger than most dicks. 

A bonus of being a lesbian is that I can choose the size of my dildo and I don’t place any worth on how tight a vagina is. Plus, fisting is a thing that many of us enjoy.

And no, a dildo and a penis are not the same thing. First and foremost, my dildo does not come with a man attached. Second, my current favourite is purple and glittery (no one is surprised). There are no veins, no balls and it does not resemble a penis in the slightest.

It is hella girthy though. 

In summary – in case you missed the point – not all women are tight and that’s perfectly normal.

Lesbian Sex Myth #3: All lesbians are great at oral sex.

This. Is. A. Lie.

A lot of women are amazing at oral sex (it helps when you have firsthand experience of where the clitoris is). However, even with that inside knowledge, some people still get it wrong. Why? Because we are human and every clitoris (and the person attached) are different. And that’s okay.

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I’ve slept with women who have attempted to devour my vagina like they were trying to eat a bowl of jelly with their hands tied behind their back. I’ve been with women who couldn’t understand that I didn’t like head the same way their ex did. I’ve been with women who passed out between my legs MID ACT, and so much worse.

The lesson: While I might be a fearless rockstar with oral sex we are not all dealt the same cards, plus we all have different preferences. I might like three fingers inside me combined with some light sucking action. You might not enjoy penetration at all but love some circular tongue activity. We all have different wants and skills in life.

Lesbian Sex Myth #4: Lesbian sex is always overly emotional.

There’s no beating around this bush, lesbian relationships are SUPER emotional. 

When two women are in a relationship, the amount of oxytocin their brain releases sky rockets and we feel the 'urge to merge'. While a newly formed lesbian relationship does often result in deep 2AM chats about past trauma and the exes who wronged us, this is not true of every relationship, particularly every lesbian sexual encounter.

Here’s the thing – society teaches people from an early age that girls (and women) are emotional about sex and that men just want bump uglies and move on. This is why women who just want sex are seen as promiscuous, because we are going against societal norms. Therefore, society doesn’t take female desire very seriously.

The take-home message: Not all lesbian sex consists of us post-coitally crying into each other’s arms about how connected we feel. Sometimes, sex is just sex.

Lesbian Sex Myth #5: Scissoring is an essential lesbian sex act.

Look, I’m not into scissoring. I have thick thighs and when scissoring there’s far too much friction applied to a wide surface area as opposed to the direct stimulation that I enjoy. 

However, some lesbians like scissoring, and who am I to judge?

Aside from scissoring not being my thing, my issue with it arises because heterosexual society can’t seem to wrap its head around the idea that sex between two people with vaginas might involve more than unceremoniously mashing them together. 

Lesbian sex is so much more and the possibilities are endless.

Stop watching mainstream lesbian porn, it’s melting your brain and isn’t an accurate representation of what’s happening in the throes of passion. Plus, most lesbians would run from nails that long.

via GIPHY

Lesbian Sex Myth #6: There is a 'man' and a 'woman' in the bedroom.

Lesbian – noun: a woman who is sexually attracted to other women. Need I say more?

When I’m asked this question, I think what people mean to ask is who is the more dominant person in the bedroom. However, outside of LGBTQIA+ and kink communities you might not have language to be able to articulate your curiosities properly. 

Characteristics like dominance are often associated with masculinity in the patriarchal world we live in. But I’m here to tell you that a) gendering personality traits is outdated and b) who is dominant or submissive in the bedroom is a whole other fetish conversation that we don’t have time for, but rest assured there is no man in my bedroom.

Watch Madison Missina talk about the biggest difference between sex with a woman and sex with a man. Post continues after video.

Applying gender norms to any relationship (even heterosexual relationships) is pretty much medieval as there are far more than two genders and the absence of gender in any relationship is liberating.

I am a femme woman who loves butch babes because we’re both strong and tender at the same time, but really our gender expression is none of your business. You don’t need to understand it, just accept it.

I think we can all agree that the things I know now about lesbian sex would certainly make that surgeon blush. 

The moral of the story is: When it comes to sex in general, but particularly queer sex, everyone has their own unique definition of what sex is. Some think it’s oral, some love a strap-on and some enjoy scissoring. 

Everyone is different, the key is to keep an open mind, leave your preconceived notions at the door and most of all, have fun!

Feature Image: Mamamia & @laceyjadechristie