real life

"Nice to meet you. I'm gay. Enough with the questions."

Everyone, I need to tell you something. I’m a lesbian. A card-carrying, awesome hair-wearing, Tracy Grimshaw adoring lesbian. To be honest, I couldn’t hide it if I tried. Once a homeless man yelled out at me in West End ‘Hey lesbian!’ as I walked past him and I couldn’t do anything but agree with him. True story.

To be honest, the great thing about being a lesbian is pretty much everything. I get to wear comfy shoes all the time; have a tool box without giggling about it; experiment endlessly with my hair and ogle Katy Perry shamelessly at the Super Bowl.

I get to wear whatever I like; watch tv shows like ‘The L Word’ and wish that’s how life really was and creep people out by saying Sylvester Stallone is my man crush. True love never dies.

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Image via iStock.

I also get to discuss ‘gay issues’ at length, ensuring I make people uncomfortable enough to at least consider not voting for the LNP. I also enjoy making straight couples feel bad, for kicks, about being engaged by saying stuff like ‘Oh it must be nice to be allowed to get married!’

There’s a downside though. There’s the questions. Loads and loads of questions. I’m not even exaggerating. I’ve compiled a list of some of these below.

Do you think I’m gay because one time….?

So you pashed some bird in high school. So what? You also enjoyed ogling Katy Perry at the Super Bowl. So what? I don’t care. I don’t know if you’re gay because you think you’d sleep with Nicole Kidman if she offered. I don’t have the answers you need because I just don’t care.

Do you know …?

No I don’t. There isn’t a phone tree. We don’t all follow each other on Twitter. I don’t know the lesbian couple you know in Adelaide who own a cow. I don’t care that your sister is a lesbian who can’t find love and you just wish she could. I don’t care that you think I’d hit it off with your cousin in Mackay who used to be married to a guy. I don’t care. Ever. I also don’t know Ellen DeGeneres and wait for it, I don’t even really like her. Scandalous!

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Are you a really a mum?

Turns out, I am! It’s that simple. I didn’t give birth to my child but I’m still her mum. I don’t care about the lesbians you heard about on the news that also have a baby that also has a dad. I don’t care that you think all kids should have a mum and a dad. I don’t care what you think about the gay guys who have 3 kids that you’re not sure should have kids cause you don’t think it’s okay. It is okay. You just need to get the hell over it, and let them live their lives.

Are you ‘the man’ or the ‘woman’?

This feels like an easy one you could figure out for yourself. We’re all the ‘WOMAN’ BECAUSE LESBIANS ARE WOMEN. That’s the point. You get it now?

Is it true lesbians can reverse parallel park really well?

Yes, that’s actually true.

What if the ‘right guy’ came along?

How about you hold your breath while we wait for him?

Do you have a crush on me?

You should be so lucky. Funnily enough we aren’t the predatory animals you think we are. We can actually have meaningful conversations that don’t end up like a scene out of some porn film. Do you want to sleep with all the men? Keep flirting and flicking your hair like that though cause you look like a complete tool.

Lesbian Wedding - Newlywed Women Showing their Rings
Image via iStock.
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It must be so easy being gay!

Hey, that’s the truth. Being treated like half a human; fighting off your constant advances and begging for basic human rights is ace. Not being able to be affectionate in the street because some guy behind you at the bus stop is masturbating is really fun. It’s even better when he tries to follow you home as well.

Watching other LGBTI people around the world being murdered and beaten up for who they are is really what makes it all worthwhile. A total breeze.

There are probably more questions to go over but I’ve had a rough day. Use your common sense guys. It’s that simple.

Sally Tysoe was one of the short-listed writers on MWN and HarperCollinsPublishing’s 2015 Writers’ Competition.

Sally Tysoe is a writer and digital communication specialist. She works as a corporate writer during the day and is an avid, armchair bigfoot hunter by night. She lives in Brisbane & has just published her first children’s book titled ‘We like to go Adventuring’. You can follow her on Twitter @stysoe.

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