Warning: spoilers ahead.
Here we are for another Tuesday night, tuning into week two of Channel Seven’s highly voyeuristic Kiss Bang Love. A show that is based around the scientifically unproven idea that people can fall in love through a blindfolded kiss.
For those not in the known or just forgetful, the show goes a little something like this: The contestant kisses 12 blindfolded strangers (while two friends watch on) and gives them a score out of 10. From there, five finalists are chosen for a chat and un-blindfolded kiss. Then the contestant takes two of the selected kissers on overnight dates, and then the final one is taken on a week long holiday.
Yes, that is a huge amount of ground covered in one episode, but Channel Seven aren’t responding to my complaints, so there’s not much more I can tell you.
Tonight, we meet Geordie, a 26-year-old plumber and chippie. Geordie, whose name is not short for anything else, says his dad is his hero and likes training for ironman competitions.
"I really like doing things with my hands," Geordie tells the camera crew, before adding, "that sounds wrong."
Heading into the kiss room, Geordie says he's feeling a bit shaky, but excited about the pash fest about to commence.
Kisser number one is Steph, a 26-year-old construction worker and makeup artist who hates dating. Which is fair enough. It's truly a jungle out there. Geordie's brother Lachie and friend Michael, who are watching on from another room, think Steph is hot but too short.
Kiss outcome: What looked like a dirty club pash four bourbon and cokes in was described as "racy" by Geordie. Steph scored a generous score.
Next up is Jessica, a 26-year-old business owner who doesn't know why she's single and loves biting men. Who knows, Jessica. Life is full of mysteries and unsolved riddles.
Kiss outcome: Jessica tried to make it sex in a kiss, but Geordie was just straight up terrified.
You can relive Jessica and Geordie's kiss below. Post continues after video.
The third kiss came from 27-year-old Shae. She's hoping her tongue ring will set her apart and help her secure a spot and likes "boys movies" like X-Men. [Side note: These are not boys movies. Women love these movies and hate what Bryan Singer is doing to the franchise just as much as boys do.]
Kiss outcome: Saucy as f*&k. Geordie grabbed her bum and said the kiss could have kept going, and Shae said she thoroughly enjoyed herself.
The first three kisses are then followed by a montage of forgettable kisses that are set to be of no consequence to viewers or Geordie's tongue.
Next up is the first of two wild card entries. It's Cass, a woman Geordie recently met on Tinder and went on "five or six" dates with. According to Lachie and Michael they lost the spark, but Cass eagerly lets viewers know, "I want Geordie back."
Kiss outcome: Geordie didn't seem sold on it, but Cass said it was passionate. Geordie definitely got the impression that he'd kissed the person before.
Posing in a hard hat is model turned miner Shana, who is 26 and a joyous bag of bubbles.
Kiss outcome: Super passionate, it got a bit full on and definitely tested the rating of the show.
You can re-watch Shana's kiss below. Post continues after video.
24-year-old actress Kyla was seriously a force to be reckoned with and somehow made Cass look like an understated chiller. She's looking for a Romeo and believes in putting her hands all over the face of the person she's kissing.
Kiss outcome: awkward to watch, but apparently pleasurable for Geordie, and Kyla gets the foot pop.
Cheerleader Tamlyn is up next, and she's just looking for a guy who treats his mum right, because that's something she finds highly attractive...
Kiss outcome: Despite a tonne of awkward giggling, the both of them seem to enjoy it, with Tamlyn admitting she feels weak at the knees.
Cue montage of forgettable kisses part two, followed by the second wild card of the night, Bron.
It turns out that Bron is not only a total babe and outgoing person, but also a good friend of Geordie's. How this will end, no one knows. Well, except us, who will know in about ten seconds following their kiss.
Kiss outcome: It's awkwardly long, there's quite a bit of montaging and Adele is playing in the background. Was a baby consummated in that kiss? Quite possibly.
From the dozen kisses Geordie then selects cheerleader Tamlyn, face grabbing Kyla, tongue-ring Shae, mod-miner Shana and unknown friend Bron.
Things get intense quickly when Geordie meets Kyla, who likes the fact that he's a carpenter and comments, "Jesus was a carpenter." At least she's learned, I guess?
She then comments that they both have big eyes and wonders if Geordie can tell what she's feeling just through looking into her eyes. His response? "Nah".
Bron reveals herself and Geordie freaks out, but goes in for pash number two nonetheless.
From there the overnight dates are but an ad break away, with final contest number one revealed as Shana the miner model. They go for a bike ride, take to a put put golf course and have a sunset picnic by the lake.
Geordie can't believe she's single and says suitably corny lines to tell her as much.
They retreat to a log cabin for homemade pizzas, champagne and enough making out to make you feel like you're on holidays with teenagers. By the end of the night candles were blown out and sex was definitely had.
The next day, Geordie met with Lachie and Michael to tell them that he's "never been swept off my feet so quickly."
But just moments later he's on date number two with pal turned pasher, Bron.
They went rock climbing, had dinner and took a swim in a rooftop pool.
Moments into watching their date I realise that Geordie and Bron are staying in my apartment building. "My bathroom doesn't f*&king look like that!" I scream at the television sadly. One of my co-workers asks me how rich I am before I explain that while I live in a shoebox with a normal person's bathroom, there are allegedly apartments like this rented out to people like these two lovebirds.
I hate you and I want a bath tub.
Anyway, Geordie says he didn't see the connection with Bron coming, and he's happy to have broken through the friend zone barrier so easily.
SO WHY HE THEN CHOSE SHANA AT THE AIRPORT I'M NOT SURE.
Standing in front of the two women, Geordie explained that it was a tough decision as both women were amazing, but Shana had won the gold ribbon.
Looking as though she was about to burst into humiliated tears, Geordie held Bron and said, "You're good with this right? Okay?" before boarding a plane with another woman on a holiday she had packed for.
Apparently Geordie and Shana are still dating and happy. They prove that unlike last week, sometimes you do have to step outside of the local radius to find a good date.