King Arthur: Legend of the Sword opened in Australian cinemas today and before audiences had the chance to lay eyes on Guy Ritchie’s sword swishing fantasy, the stink began to build around it like a day old salmon bagel left to congeal on Bondi Beach.
For those of you opting to see Guardians of the Galaxy Volume Two a second time around or think yourself above the indignity of sitting in a sticky cinema over the weekend and subjecting your eyeballs to a mid-level mainstream movie (no judgement, hipsters are people too) here’s what goes down in King Arthur:
Jude Law and Eric Bana are basically the Scar and Mufasa of the ye old Arthurian times.
Law has a wild yearning for Bana's throne and in order to juice himself up with the necessary magic to procure it, he takes his own wife down into to the castle's dungeon, a dank room of pain that even Christian Grey would find terrifying, and stabs her in the stomach. All while whispering to her that he loves her so.
Yeah, just conjure up that visual the next time you want to complain about a bad Tinder date...
Law then tosses his wife's body into the water where Ursula The Sea Witch's less attractive sister accepts the sacrifice and unleashes a demon knight who slaughters Bana and Cara Delevingne's sister, who I believe is Bana's wife.
Only their tiny mute son escapes in a boat.