The bittersweet feeling when your last baby goes to 'big school'.

"But the last one: the baby who trails her scent like a flag of surrender through your life when there will be no more coming after — oh, that' s love by a different name." — Barbara Kingsolver.

Bittersweet. That’s the best way I can describe the way I’m currently feeling, on the eve of my youngest child starting school. 

As a mum-of-three, this isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve done it before, twice in fact. That first tiny pair of Clarks school shoes, the tunic or pair of shorts that almost reaches their ankles. The first day jitters as you watch your little one, wearing a backpack almost as big as they are, take the hand of their teacher and cross the threshold into the next phase. 

That first day isn’t just about beginnings. It’s also about endings, and with my last baby about to take her first steps into our local primary school, it’s those endings I am feeling most deeply.

Watch: The five types of parents at school pickup. Post continues after video.

For the past 11 years, I’ve had a little one at home. A constant little sidekick living life alongside me. Throughout all the transitions, there was a constant presence at home. I felt the sadness when my eldest started school, the first to navigate phonics and athletics carnivals and assemblies. My first baby seemed to become a 'proper little boy' within the space of his first week. 

Two years later it was my daughter's turn to join her big brother, and she skipped through the gate with the knowledge and confidence of a second child who’d been hanging around the playground since she could walk. It was an ending of sorts but not a finale. Just another shift, a new routine to navigate with two at school and one at home. I told myself then that the next 'first day' would be a different experience all together. 

The knowledge that I had three years left with a little person at home informed a lot of the decisions I made. I was lucky enough at the time to work from home and even after returning to the classroom; I was able to work part time so that I could still have two days at home with my youngest. We did a lot of big things together, but my favourite days were the 'boring' ones. The days we’d walk to school to drop off the biggies then detour via one of the local cafes to have a coffee and a cookie. Sometimes we’d go to the park, other times the supermarket. We’d do chores, bake, watch episodes of Bluey (awesome) and Gabby’s Dollhouse (an absolute punish). There was magic in the mundane, in spending time watching as my littlest went from toddler to pre-schooler to sassy five-year-old ready to take on the world. I got to watch as she grew up.

Listen to This Glorious Mess. On this episode, we asked our friend Genevieve Muir from Connected Parenting about what to expect and how to prepare your little one for their new school journey. Post continues below.

Don’t get me wrong, there were (are) days when I am so ready for school. Five-year-olds are a lot. And I am excited about what is to come for me as I navigate my own life without a sidekick for the first time since becoming a mother. My mum friends who’ve walked the path before me tell me it doesn’t take long for the freedom to become the norm, for missing them to start to fade as you slip into a new normal. Having all my kids at school means that I can prioritise things that haven’t been at the top of my list for a long time. I can say yes to work I’ve previously turned down. I can choose the music at home between 9am and 3pm and listen to true crime podcasts without fear of little ears tuning in. Baking will be 27,374 times easier. The grocery shop will be approximately $25 cheaper without requests for Kinder Surprise eggs and slime kits. There will be an ease that I haven’t really experienced yet. A new beginning of sorts.

But before that, there’s the ending. The end of any season of motherhood isn’t easy. There is some sense of relief in being here now, in 'making it' this far. It has been the most wonderful, chaotic, exhausting, joyful, soul destroying, soul enriching time of my life. I am going to miss my darling girl so very much. Here’s to endings and beginnings.

Feature Image: Getty

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