By ALISSA WARREN
Can the kale-crush BE OVER? Please?
For the past year or so, kale has crept it’s long, thin, crinkly, mouldy-coloured hand over the world. Normal, rational-thinking, well-educated humans have turned into ‘superfood’ craving monsters, eating it at every meal in solid and liquid form in a way reminiscent of The Cookie Monster smashing cookies into his mouth with delirious excitement.
But there is some good news for the anti-kalers.
There’s reportedly a kale crisis happening in Australia..
Crazy committed kale people have literally eaten the world’s plantations into the ground. Supply and demand cannot keep up and Planet Earth is running out of kale.
Among the largest suppliers are Deborah and Darren Corrigan, who sell to Coles and Woolworths. They told Fairfax’s Body and Soul they have gone from harvesting, “1500 seedlings as a trial, to 150,000”.
AND. THEY. CAN’T. KEEP. UP.
All I can say is ‘thank, God.’
I miss food fads that were a bit fun. Things sprinkled in oil and cheese. Like, semi-sundried tomatoes in the ’90s or stuffed zucchini flowers in the naughties.
Let’s rejoice that kale is running into the ground. Because it’s time to be honest about this superfood and this is why I’m glad to see it go:
1. Kale tastes gross.
It tastes like a vegetable garden smells. Dirt, lawn mower clippings, leaves. It tastes like what I imagine a cow’s fart would taste like.
2. Kale is morally condescending.
I feel like less of a person because I don’t eat it. I know that’s my problem. But, it’s the truth. I baulk at the green smoothie signs. Baulk. I internally shake my head with confusion. In fact, I internally shake my whole body. It literally shudders when I see people buy it at the supermarket. Kale makes me feel like a slug, I just can’t embrace it and I feel super unhealthy when I order … wait for it … an orange juice. When did that become the worst drink ever?
Having a kale leaf/smoothie/chip has become such a status symbol that is no longer about healthy eating. It’s about more than a humble, ugly green plant. At the peak of it’s mainstream, it’s now about proving someone eats at a trendy cafe, can post pictures of their green food on Instagram and spend lots of money by ordering it from restaurants that turn it into something completely different to its original form.