For the love of God, won’t someone else think of Brad Pitt’s penis?
Before there was Bieber’s #whatdoyoupeen, there was Brad.
It was 1997. He was dating Gwyneth Paltrow, and man, things were serious.
Serious enough that they were on a mini-break in the French West Islands (wherever that is, somewhere exotic and fancy where you and I will never go) and they were sunbathing naked in their walled villa.
Not just sunbathing, either. Dancing, snuggling, grabbing each other’s bums, showering, pashing, drinking teeny drinks. Naked. Nude. In the buff.
I know because, of course, I looked. Who’s not going to look when it’s 1997 and Brad Pitt is the hottest thing that ever existed and someone says there’s a picture of him – NAKED? I looked.
It was the first time I had ever seen a man with The V – you know, those muscles either side of their groin that make men look like an action doll. I thought it was Photoshop. Pity me, I grew up England. We don’t have men with The V there.
There weren’t hashtags in 1997. But if there were, it would have been #pittyperfect
Those pictures were published in Playgirl (yes, that was a magazine once) until Brad Pitt sued and got them removed from sale (but not the Internet, because that wasn’t really A Thing).
Nothing has changed. Yesterday, the world got its G-banger in a major twist about Justin Bieber’s penis.
The poor kid. He’s in Bora Bora (another impossibly glamorous place that you and I will probably never see), and he just wants a soak in the hot tub, and SNAP – we’ve all seen his everything.
It is a gross invasion of privacy. It was a gross invasion of Brad’s privacy in 1997, and it’s a gross invasion of privacy now.
Every rich man has the right to get his wang out in a private villa or hot tub without me or you perving over it from a hundred thousand miles away.
And so does every woman who sunbathes topless, bottomless, snaps a picture of herself to send to her lover. This is not for the eyes of the public. Viewing these pictures is a violation.
But, there you go.
Despite everything that has happened in between glimpses of famous penises – inquests into Princess Diana’s paparazzi-assisted death, Britney Spears, tougher privacy laws and SNAPCHAT, for Christ’s sake – there are still grubby people hiding in bushes, desperate for a glimpse of famous bush.
Because WE STILL LOOK.
In an era when celebrities seem to be naked on social media more often than they are not, a penis can still break the Internet.
At a time when any young women who has ever dabbled in online dating will have seen more photos of dicks than she’s seen actual landline telephones, a cock still has the power to shock.
WHY? Why do people want to look at Beiber’s penis to the extent that there is a financial incentive up for grabs worthy of a trip to Bora Bora and three days hiding behind an oversized privacy palm?
Because even now, when it seems the people we admire are giving us more access to their private selves than ever before, we all want to see what we’re not supposed to see.
The pap who took that picture probably wasn’t waiting for a Beiber nude shot. He was hoping to catch the young star out doing something he shouldn’t – pashing someone he shouldn’t be pashing, imbibing a substance he shouldn’t be taking – something, anything, that is beyond the sanitised version of celebrity that is readily available to anyone with a smart phone.
In an era of oversharing, we all still want to see the uncensored, unfiltered – yes, naked – version of the people we admire.
Really, there is only one way to people hiding in bushes with long lenses, or uploading grainy Insta shots snapped on a smuggled phone.
In 1997, I didn’t know that. I looked at those pictures of Brad and Gwynny until they were burned into my brain (where they remain, as my happy place). But yesterday, I didn’t try to find the naked Beiber.
What goes on under his Calvin Klein tighty shorts is his business.
And in any case, he’s no Brad Pitt.
Did you look at Beiber’s naked picture? Or Brad Pitt’s?
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Click through the gallery below for some photos of Bieber wearing clothes.