Thought I’d buy a lipstick last weekend. You know, add a bit of colour to the mid-winter slump. Channel a bit of Jolie. It didn’t seem like a biggie at the time.
But Oh. My. God. It was. This was the purchase that stopped the office, that caused a teenager to laugh RIGHT IN MY FACE and had my friends talking behind my back.
Because this is my first lippy. Ever. Oh, for gods sake, stop gawking. I can’t be the only woman who’s bypassed lipstick for more than three whole decades. Riddle me this: what is actually wrong with paw paw cream? Actually?
Look, I don’t really know how it happened. One minute, I was at the Mac counter buying foundation, the next I was perched in front the mirror with a very nice girl painting me up like the love child of Marilyn Manson and The Joker. I finally settled on Midmauve (Lustre), aka A65, which I think you’ll agree is lovely and neutral and a perfect first lipstick for someone who’s never worn lipstick.
This is what happened next.
I was called a freak.
My fault. Mia was waving a new lippy around - something, you know, super-understated in hot pink, and I casually mentioned I'd just bought my first lipstick. Fifteen heads snapped around to look at me so fast at least four of them must have vertebrae damage.
"In your life??? How are you EVEN A GIRL?!" (Post continues after gallery.)
And there was me, thinking two X chromosomes were enough to qualify. But no.
"You are a freak!!!"
Here's to the inclusive sisterhood.
2. I found out who my real friends are.
Three days after my very first application, I thought bugger it, and met friends for dinner wearing a cheapo freebie from the office in a shade a little more daring. Sort of traffic light meets fire engine. In a collision where someone has been injured.
One (friend-who-is-friend-no-more) stared, I thought admiringly, but I have no gauge for how someone should look at you in these situations. Anyway, she suggested "maybe something a bit more subdued" before smugly freshening up her own WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING IN THE MIRROR. What sensory magic is this?
Another (friend-who-remains-friend) left a message the next morning that went like this: "Darl, that lipstick looked great. You should wear it every day."