I’m about to say something that will make people on the internet want to throw various hard-surfaced items in my direction. I understand the repercussions of this.
I, too, understand that my words here may trigger an automatic response in some to yell, “GET LOST YOU DUMB MILLENNIAL WRITER, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BABY NAMES? WHAT’S IT TO YOU?”
And you’re right. I indeed know nothing about parenting. I am just a dumb millennial writer – with the most vanilla name in modern history – who probably has no place discussing the legitimacy of bizarro baby names.
And yet, here we are. Ha!
On with the show.
“Strummer Newcomb Cook, born October 20, 2017,” the 36-year-old captioned an Instagram photo of her baby boy’s teeny tiny hand.
And that's all lovely and fluffy and whatever, but there's one thing I particularly care about here:
S-T-R-U-M-M-E-R. Strummer. Strum-mer. Strum...mer.
Look, Julia Stiles and Preston Cook are lovely people, I'm sure. They are upstanding citizens no doubt. But... look... Strummer is not a name for a human child. Strummer is a name for a stringed instrument.
When I typed the name 'Strummer' into Facebook, it returned searches for 'Summer'. Wanna know why?
Oh, I don't know, PROBABLY BECAUSE STRUMMER ISN'T A NAME.
How does this affect me? Well - it doesn't. Aside from the brief twang of annoyance I feel deep in my soul whenever I read "X celebrity named their baby after a Meditteranean fruit", or "Y celebrity named their baby after an igneous rock formation", this issue does not impact upon my life in any way.
You know who this issue does affect? The children.
I'm thinking of the poor children, you see, who need to deal with the "you're named after polyester cotton?" blank stares for the rest of their lives.
The children who would've made LOVELY Lukes. Or Matts. Or Jacks. Or anything vaguely in the realm of 'a thing to call a human'.
Listen: This is how your bogan baby name could be ruining your child’s future. (Post continues...)
Julia Stiles and Preston Cook aren't the first to plunge head-first into the celebrity pool of 'these are not baby names but let's troll the public anyway'.
First of all, I don't think we can ever forget Kim Kardashian and Kanye West naming their daughter after a direction.
Victoria's Secret model Doutzen Kroes and her husband, DJ Sunnery James, called their son Phyllon Gorr.
Jessica Simpson named her son Ace Knute.
The first decent boy's name to come to Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon was evidently 'Moroccan'... which Nick Cannon later backed up with 'Golden Cannon' for his son with Brittany Bell.
Beyonce and Jay-Z called their offspring Blue Ivy, Rumi and... Sir.
Lil' Kim called her baby Royal Reign.
And don't even get me started on Jules and Jamie Oliver's kids: Petal Blossom Rainbow, Daisy Boo Pamela, River Rocket, Buddy Bear Maurice, and Poppy Honey Rosie. I'll have an aneurysm.
Celebrity names are out of bloody control.
And if you ask me, naming your child "Golden Cannon" or "Ace Knute" makes the whole thing a lot more about mum and dad than it ever is about the baby.
Just saying. (Please don't hurt me.)