We all need to take a moment to acknowledge a universal truth.
Every marriage that has ever ended, did so because of a woman who was lurking.
Please allow me to explain.
News broke yesterday that Chris Pratt, 38, and Anna Faris, 40, have separated after eight years of marriage.
“Anna and I are sad to announce we are legally separating. We tried hard for a long time, and we’re really disappointed,” Pratt posted on Facebook.
Well, they weren't the only ones disappointed.
You see, their divorce was about us. "They looked perfectly happy on Instagram last month..." we reasoned. Everyone started yelling "LOVE IS DEAD", set fire to their romance novels and tossed their wedding rings out the window.
If a Hollywood couple who none of us know personally, decide to separate then what hope do any of us have?
This was never about Pratt and Faris. Marriages don't just end because two people fall out of love.
This never would have happened if it weren't for Jennifer Lawrence. Just take one look at her.
The court of public opinion (Twitter... I'm talking about Twitter) spoke loud and clear.
"I used to think Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence looked a little too chummy," Oriaku with 300 followers wrote. "Chris Pratt is about to show up somewhere with Jennifer Lawrence," some guy named Sin Nickel predicted, and let's be real: he would know. But the clincher came with Saadiqah**'s observation, "The way Chris Pratt looked at Jennifer Lawrence in interviews... I saw this separation coming."
It was no longer a matter of speculation. There were three tweets. Journalists stopped what they were doing and rushed to report the story everyone needed to know - Jennifer Lawrence is a homewrecker and Chris Pratt fell victim to her sorcery.
You see, men don't ruin marriages. Other women do.
Did you see Lawrence at the Passengers premiere with Pratt? She might as well have been waving her boobies in his face, with a sign around her neck that said "LEAVE YOUR WIFE FOR ME PLS".
As everyone knows, men and women can't be friends. Lawrence never should have signed up for that movie.
Ever since Aphrodite, women have served only as temptresses, doing sexy trance-like dances to distract men from their (somewhat boring tbh) wives.
Lawrence, after all, is a sex object. She's beautiful. Pratt had no choice in the matter.
Faris will likely be upset for a little while. Her husband has left her for a co-star for goodness sake. But maybe if she just... dyed her hair to look a little more like Lawrence, or... grew a few feet taller... or quoted Hunger Games more regularly, then Pratt wouldn't have strayed.
LISTEN: What to say to a friend who's going through a divorce. Post continues below.
It's important to remember that when a man leaves his wife for another woman, it wasn't his fault.
Jennifer Lawrence's the other woman's.
So next time a marriage ends, and you hear some bullshit about irreconcilable differences, have a sniff around.
Because there will be a woman lurking in the corner, with a menacing grin on her face.
And she is the one to blame.
Please note that this article is obviously complete satire and should in no way be taken seriously.